One Good Shot. One Darned Good Shot.

I’m a visual person. So, as many people know – I’m a picture taker. I love taking pictures. That should be love with a capital L, O, V and E. Whether it’s with my big digital Rebel or with my fairly old PowerShot (my religion is Canon as my friend Lasse taught me that they say in Denmark). Or, even if it’s taking pictures with my cell phone. It’s amazing that my little Droid has almost more mega pixels than my other two combined. I’m happy with the quality that they all produce though.

I like to think that I have a good eye for taking a picture and that they come out good because of my design background. Many people insist that it’s because of the camera. Both help. But, just taking a zillion pictures is apt to catch a good one. And with the beauty of digital, you don’t have to worry about “wasting” film. You just delete what you don’t want or what is blurry. I remember the days of SLRs and film. I used to buy rolls and rolls of film with 36 exposures. I’d be so much more careful though in what I shot because developing was downright expensive. I was usually thrilled if I got one good shot for every 3 rolls.

Nowadays, I just shoot away. Rarely does an event or weekend (especially with my girls) slip away without me having taken dozens of pictures. My girls are so good about the picture taking too. They know that if they pose and smile decently that the tortuous length of the photo shoots is lessened. My problem is that I think they are so darned beautiful that I just want to keep snapping pictures.

I’ve been known to go on an adventure such as a hike with a friend (Scarborough Mom and Pad Thai especially can confirm this) and literally take hundreds and hundreds more pictures than they did on the same trip. Yea, that’s just me.

A dear friend was simulating my cell phone picture taking recently to my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend. Yes, obviously she has been a victim of numerous adventures with me and my photo shooting. I did have to laugh though because, well, she was right.

All these photos remind me of good times. I put my favorites up on my screensaver on my desktop and smile as they scroll through. I frame a few of my favorites or just print them out and hang them on the wall by my desk at work. I share them with family and I put them up on Facebook. I rejoice in the memories and feelings they bring up when I look at them.

Just last weekend, I snapped a shot that I just can’t stop looking at. It’s of me and my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend on the beach. But, you don’t see the beach. You actually really only see a bit of my face with hers leaning into me. It’s more of the expression that is on each of our faces that makes the picture so wonderful. I’ve got a double-dimple, closed-mouth profile smile going on and she has the most intense look in her eyes – looking directly into the camera. Looking into my soul. And it’s not intense in a bad way, but intense as in being at home in my arms. It’s new love, but it’s comfortable love. It’s love without words. It’s a picture that makes taking thousands of pictures so worthwhile. It’s one of those pictures that doesn’t happen very often. It’s one good shot. One darned good shot.

http://www.barbarabeige.com/

Me and Elmo: We’ve Got Our Own Little Worlds

As my relationship with my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend is developing (and is going so very well by the way), so many conversations come up. I find myself rediscovering or reanalyzing myself as I try to explain and show who I am to her.

One of the basics that I know for certain about myself is that I have an odd trust in mankind. I will admit it to be naïve on a certain level. I tend to always see the good in everyone. I guess I live in my own little world. Like Elmo’s World as my girlfriend says.

A well-worn and well-loved Elmo.

When you put your deepest trust in people, you expect them to keep what you’ve shared, to hold your thoughts, your secrets. You assume that they would do this. You assume they won’t ever try to hurt you…especially using the knowledge about you that you’d given them. What is the reason that they would choose to hurt you? Isn’t everyone just born good?

This way of thinking, obviously, has its drawbacks. Mostly in the name of hurt or broken hearts. Yea, as you know, I’ve gotten my heart broken by people like this. On numerous occasions. But, you know what? My hurt heals. My heart heals. It is strong. I am strong. I won’t give these people that kind of power over me.

I’d still rather go through life seeing people as good. And focusing on their good sides (everyone has one of these, don’t they?) instead of always putting people down or not choosing to ever fully open up. Why worry about what could happen? Worrying about what hurtful things they could do to you? To me?

Some people don’t even realize they are putting out bad or saying things that will come back to hurt you. Gosh, to say that they do it for their own twisted motivation seems so foreign to me. But, maybe that’s my naïveté again?

Yea, so maybe Barbara’s World is full of sunshine and fluffy bunnies. Full of smiley people all holding hands. Full of people with warm hearts looking out for one another. Baking cookies. Laughing. Hugging. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. I sure like living in Barbara’s World. Wanna join me?


How do you like to live? Do you live with worry or do you go head-in to situations and relationships believing everything will be good? I'd love to hear your comments below!

http://www.barbarabeige.com/
@Ybbeige
http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

Dim Sum and PDAs for Lunch

So, Friday, I went out for lunch with my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend. Dim Sum. My first time having that.  Besides the shrimp dumplings, the steamed greens were my favorite. Bok choy? Broccorabi? Not sure what it was exactly but with the sweet, thick soy drizzled on them they were scrumptious. So were the kisses I gave my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend the moment we got back in her car in the parking lot.

“We’re being watched,” she announced after looking out of the corner of her eye. I paused and pulled away from my amorous advances. Sure enough, kiddy corner from us, were three pairs of eyes. A mother and a young son (about 9ish) in the front seat of their van, and a young girl¸ I’d put her at 14 or 15 tops, smoking a cigarette and leaning on the hood of their van. Obviously, not old enough to be legally smoking. But that wasn’t stopping her and neither was her mom. My gaydar immediately went off with her though.

The Young Cigarette Lesbian yelled something. I sure as heck wish we had heard her. We did hear the mother yell back, “Don’t mind her, she’s being fresh.” We just smiled and I waved. I was not embarrassed or ashamed of our behavior one bit. What we were doing did not require a room (which is a possible shout out that she may have said, though I’m hoping it was a ‘you go girls!’). I gave my Sweet-Smelling Girlfriend one more kiss in the open and we left so she could get back to work. Our dim sum and kissing lunch break was over.

Dim Sum sampling.

Maybe I’m different than most people. Okay, strike that maybe. I am different. I so know I am. I believe that people should show their affections for others openly. I’m all about public displays of affection (aka PDAs). I enjoy seeing the physical connection two people are sharing. Whether it be new love or mature love holding hands while walking or touching an arm during sweet conversation. Yes, there is an over-the-top amount that should not be shown in public. I think what most people think is appropriate though is so Walt Disney.

My choice would be to push these PDAs to another limit. I use Italy as a gauge. When I was in Italy, I was struck by all the times I saw couples totally entranced with each other. The passion of their kisses, their embraces, their looking at one another and smiling or laughing between the affection (which is really all part of the affection), made such an impression on me. It was how I always believed love should be and shown between two people. Of course, the back drop of the amazing cliff sides descending down to the sea and the quality of light of Naples didn’t hurt either.

So, why are people not as affectionate out in public as they may be in their own homes? Are they affectionate in their own homes? Do we take enough time out of our lives to show our affections? Are we worried about what the children may think? What if the children could see that there is a possibility that love does exist between two people? Divorce rates are so high and I think people and kids especially lose faith in the possibility of love. What do they think about with their own futures? Do they think that relationships and love are not permanent?

Today, people don’t seem to stay in relationships as long. I’m not sure if they are always thinking there is something better or different out there, especially during trying or difficult times. Sometimes, there are reasons why relationships shouldn’t last and that is okay too. But, if there is a good connection, a scary thought for me is that people aren’t physically showing each other the love they have by being affectionate in their own homes.

If couples were allowed, or more open, to show their affections freely throughout each and every day, maybe things would be different? I don’t care if they are gay or straight. (I was in a gay marriage legal state by the way). They would be constantly reminding their partner of the love they have for them. They would be showing the world their commitment. They would be putting out good vibrational energy to the universe. They would be making their lunch breaks from work all that much more interesting than just dim sum.

Things I Learned Today … and all before 8:30 a.m.

1. It takes me 5 to 6 times before I'm comfortable driving to and from somewhere so I don't get lost. I was on my 2nd time back from Methuen, MA. I got lost.

2. 93n to 101e to 95n is not the preferred way. It takes much longer to get to Maine this way.

3. If I miss 495N again, I will turn around and try again. Despite 93 going north, it's not really my north.

4. I sleep better with a beautiful woman by my side.

5. I like the smell of aforementioned’s perfume on me when I leave.

6. Calvin Klein’s One smells way better on her than it does on me.

7. I don't like when there is a skip in my absolute favorite song on my favorite songs mixed cd.

8. Moose never seem to be in the roadway when the signs say to watch for them. And, if they were, can they read to know that they are supposed to be near the signs so we know?

9. Women who drive in vehicles with the personalized license plate 'Jett' look nothing like Joan. Nothing.

10. There are lots of dead skunks on Mondays.

11. The day has just started…I’m sure there are many more things to learn today.

http://www.barbarabeige.com/

The Sensuality of Chocolate aka Your Cocoa Mistress

I woke up thinking about chocolate. Actually, I went to bed thinking about chocolate. And, how I wanted a piece but I had just brushed my teeth and was too tired to do it a second time. I wasn’t thinking about any old candy bar, but a piece of smooth, dark chocolate. The kind that just melts in your mouth and coats every taste bud with a rich sensuality. Sexy chocolate.

Bliss and Andes. Sexy dark or sexy mint.

I think as I’ve gotten older, I look at chocolate differently. As kids, when we got a chance to eat candy or chocolate, we’d eat it like we may never be given the chance again.

That’s one of the reasons why I’ve always had it out and available for my girls. It was never taboo. For them, they’d ask if they could have some M&Ms or whatever chocolate-coated goodness I’d have peering from clear storage containers on the kitchen counter. I’d put some in a little metal condiment or kitchen prep bowl for them. There was a ritual to it. A pleasure that wasn’t forbidden. To this day, if you come to my house, I always have an open selection of chocolates available. My girls occasionally ask (and, yes, they do still ask) if they can have some. But, they can also go days without it.

Even with a little bloom (that harmless white), a few Ghiradelli 60% chips are delightful.

The current selection of chocolates out and available in our house are various dark chocolate bars, Mallo cups, peanut butter cups (both milk and dark), Power Berries (yummy fruity filled chocolate goodness from Trader Joe’s), dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds and M&Ms – both peanut and plain. I always sort through them and throw out the blue ones. Why did they ever get rid of the light brown ones in lieu of the artificially, god-awful bright blue ones? Those aren’t chocolate.

So, back to that piece of chocolate I awoke thinking of… Does it hurt us to eat chocolate everyday? By the bus load? Probably. But, a small amount? No. I remember reading in Martina Navratilova’s book, Shape Your Self, that she’d treat herself to a small piece of chocolate every day. (And, how did I not know I was gay as a kid when I had a crush on her?) She wasn’t withholding, wasn’t eliminating something she took great pleasure in. I guess I’m the same way.

You so know this is your mistress. It has Her and She right in the name.

Everything in moderation. That’s been my theory to life and my diet for the last few years. I don’t not allow myself to eat things. I just pay attention to how much I eat. When you think of it, if you ate half a chocolate cake, it would start off good. Really good. But, when you finished it, you’d say, “Holy geez! (Or some other superlative). I didn’t need all that!” And, you’d be overloaded on sugar and your taste buds would be maxed out and you’d feel such guilt you’d not eat chocolate again for a month to punish yourself.

You will probably regret eating this entire bar. But a bite on the other hand...that's heaven.

But, with a small piece (or two) of quality chocolate every day, you can savor it in a way you can’t with half a cake. The experience of unwrapping it and perhaps breaking off a piece becomes part of the ritual. The initial taste of it on your tongue slowly grows to envelop your entire mouth. The creaminess of its melting continues into the back of your throat as you swallow it. Your body awakens. You find you lick your lips. The taste lingers even after you think it’s gone. There is a whole sensuality surrounding it. It’s like having just given a lover a long, passionate kiss goodbye. So, instead of reaching for another piece right away, enjoy that feeling. Or, you’ll have just invited a mistress into your home. And, that is never a good thing.


What is your favorite chocolate treat? Should it be a daily thing? Do you have a mistress in your home? Please share your comments!


Be sure to pop over and LIKE my page on http://www.facebook.com/barbarabeige. Thanks!

@Ybbeige
There's a chocolate sex scene in my book... Unexpectations

Everything Happens For a Reason

Every day that passes I’m drawn to the conclusion that everything in my life happens or has happened for a reason. Everything.

From relationships to the smallest of events to one of the most significant life events fifteen years ago. If you had told me then that the loss of my son had reason, I would have adamantly denied it. What reason could there be to explain why I had to carry a full-term still baby inside me for two days before I could deliver him? What was the reason for me even losing him in the first place?

Now, I see that event as having significantly shaped me. It gave me the strength to get through anything life could possibly throw at me…and with relative ease…if I take the time to step back and put things into perspective. It gave me the knowledge and wisdom to share my story with the world. It was what prompted me to write Unexpectations. That novel couldn’t possibly have conveyed the same feelings and emotions without me having experienced such loss and tragedy in my life.

That loss has also made me appreciate my girls and all those around me. And, of course, it makes me appreciate each and every day I have on this earth and all the beauty and abundance that continually surrounds me. Life is so short and we never know when our journey will end. That event has given me reason to step back and be thankful for everything I have now.

People come and go in our lives, too, for many reasons. I was married to a man for almost 14 years and we were together for 7 years before that. Why? To have my beautiful girls. To show me that I can be in a healthy, long-term relationship with my best friend at the time. To know that what we think our path in life is, can change. To give us the courage to step out and find ourselves if we are on the wrong path.

I was also in a five year relationship with a woman after having left that marriage. It turned into the most beige and unhappy thing I could imagine. Reasons why I stayed for so long? To show myself that I was again capable of long-term commitment (which is very important to me when things are working between two people and the decision to move in together states away is made). I stayed because of the friendships I made with her friends and family. (At least I’ve maintained many of those still). I stayed because I don’t believe in giving up on a partner who is having health issues. But, now, I look at that relationship as a gauge. A gauge to watch out for my own needs too. I can’t just give and give and take care of someone without someone also wanting to take care of me.

A more recent relationship with a young and beautiful woman revealed to me that my heart could once again open to the thought of love and commitment. In the end, we were on two different pages for that, but my heart still opened after having been so hurt from Ms. Five Year. I thank her for that. The other thing that came out of that relationship was my eventual meeting of another woman that was in her life too. We had heard about each other from Young & Beautiful but didn’t know the extent of the relationship she was having with each of us. That just lead each of us to going out and trying to find the kind of relationship we really wanted. We each dated someone else before we found each other on Match.

Coincindence?  I think not. I think the timing of all that happened with Young & Beautiful led us on this path to meet. So, having found someone with such a similar background and way of thinking and needs and wants of the future is a good thing in my book. She is mature and sexy and beautiful and funny and the list goes on. We are just going to ride this wave. You know the one during the first three months that are filled with passion and excitement? We are going to enjoy it for all we can, but also work on building our foundation on friendship. Work on becoming best friends and true love will follow.

So, there are reasons why everything happens. Reasons to work towards a long-term relationship with a mature and beautiful woman with whom I totally click and fit with? Where friendship is the foundation. Where we have the understanding that we are there to enhance each other’s lives and not complete them. To join each other’s families and find the sheer joy in the day-to-day. To build memories all together. To come home to someone who appreciates you for you. To have someone who smiles whenever they see you. To climb into bed at the end of a long day with someone who only has eyes for you. Yea, they all seem like good reasons to me. Really good reasons.

http://www.barbarabeige.com/
@Ybbeige

Two Plus Two

It’s funny how we see things sometimes. I’m beginning to think that I often see things as I want them to be and not how they really are. It seems to take a poke in the eye to get me to finally see things differently.

Recently, I learned things about someone that totally changed my idea of them. I thought this person was someone else all together. They projected on me what they wanted me to see about them. So many things were hidden.

I know we’ve probably all done this in a way before. When I was married to a man and realized who I was, it took me a while before I didn’t project to the world that I was part of this “perfect couple.” That’s how others saw me. Saw us. I didn’t do it for any malicious intent or personal gain though, other than doing it until I was ready to step out of my old self into my new world. And, the people who really needed to know, knew.

However, it amazes me to find out that people can cast an intricate web of lies and stories to lead you down a certain path that benefits them and only them. How do we not see this when we are in it? Maybe they’re the ones who should be writing the novels?

Sometimes it takes going back and scrutinizing facts and dates to get the real perspective. The obvious comparison of those facts and figures from another can help you solve the problem to the answers. The answers you subconsciously may not have wanted to know. But should have.

I know I’m naïve in that I trust people to be completely honest with me. And, why not? I consider myself to be an extraordinarily honest person and I expect the same of others in my life. Why can’t we be honest in our friendships and our relationships? There would probably be a whole lot less therapy needed in this world.

I don’t really want to go through life always suspect of possible deceit and dishonesty. I choose to see the good side. I now see that I may have to open my eyes a bit more and trust my intuition. If I get a pang that something isn’t right, I need to stop and think more closely as to what that pang may mean. But, I don’t want it to change my enthusiasm and my optimism for life and those around me.

Life is a learning experience and hindsight is 20/20. And, I will learn to see things differently. But to do that, I hope they don’t all take a poke in the eye.



http://www.barbarabeige.com/
@Ybbeige
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