Totally No Recall

I experienced the Twilight Zone. Well, something that seemed equally sci-fi that I just couldn’t wrap my head around. Maybe it was because my mind just didn’t seem to be working. It was a bit frightening actually.

Imagine someone telling you that you did something or that something happened in your life for four days and you couldn’t recall it? Not one bit. It’s really quite freaky. Makes your brain hurt, literally, just trying to remember. Here’s how things went:

Little One and I got into the car to go somewhere (don’t ask me to remember that part either). As we sat in the driveway, I noticed a lot of what looked like critter hair between the front seats.

“That’s weird,” I said.

“What?” replied Little One.

“That looks like dog hair,” I said pointing.

“It is.”

“But, Five Eleven just vacuumed and detailed the car. It was spotless,” I said remembering that I knew she had definitely detailed my car. “When was a dog here?”

“Last week when you drove them to the beach to walk.”

“Who?”

“Jeep Girl and Delilah.”

“They were here?” I asked.

“Umm…for like four nights.”

“Oh.”

At first it felt like a practical joke. Like Little One was teasing with me. Then it momentarily got scary.

“Did I take pictures while they were here?”

“Yea, especially of Delilah’s butt when she was eating ice cream in the car.”

I don't know if I'd recommend eating ice cream like this unless you are a little doggie.

I looked at my phone. Sure enough, there were pictures of a dog’s bun-hole. Oh, and us getting ice cream. I can now totally hear Jeep Girl’s laugh in my head. We were laughing about something. Must have been about Delilah’s (aka the lesbian rat-terrier’s) bun-hole. But, we also laugh about a lot of things when we are together. I looked in my day planner. Days of their visit were marked by a long, continuous arrow.

How could I possibly have forgotten this face? 

Now, my not remembering this should not in any way make you think that Jeep Girl and Delilah are so snoozy that I’d forget about their visit. On the contrary, Jeep Girl is a great, interesting, adventurous, outdoorsy person with the absolute, best laugh. (So, if you are an available, cute, sporty girl in the Central Massachusetts area…she is also available).

Yep. Proof of the puppy on the beach.

It’s now taken me several weeks to piece together more of their visit. Things are coming back. Sometimes those memories are triggered by something that just gets me thinking. At least I can remember their visit perhaps until I stop thinking about it and trying to remember it. Then, it’ll be like much of my current life with post-concussive syndrome…having memory losses.

So, if you come to visit me, make sure that I take lots of pictures on my phone and maybe make me jot things down in my day planner. But, if you don’t come to visit me, please don’t mess with me and tell me that you did.

I so know that you’re thinking about doing that…

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

A Chicky Beach Read

Trippin’ Like Alice

I find that I like making analogies and comparing bits of my life to other things. A while back, I compared relationships to a ten-speedbike. As of late, I’ve been feeling like my life is like a fairy tale. I’ve got love in my life like a happy Disney movie. Yay. But, then, I’ve got JeffersonAirplane White Rabbit, swirly, non-sensical, 1865 Lewis Carroll, voodoo stuff going on too.

My inability to stay focused on any task at hand and the constant nausea and spinning in my brain has me feeling like I’m tripping like Alice in Wonderland. Not to mention the going from drug to drug to “help” with my post-concussive syndrome. I wish I could take a drug and just grow out of this or shrink out of it…either way…like Alice did. And, then, I’d be done with it all. But, no. I’m just so sensitive to meds. Most have made me feel more cloudy or foggy than I already am. And, I’m not really sure if they could cure it, but just lessen some side effects.

Teas sometimes help with headaches. I swear this one made with mushrooms
makes me have funky dreams. Look for them at your local Asian market.

Obviously, the whole story of Alice in Wonderland was like one big drug trip (though I’ve heard the author says otherwise). I’d like to say that I have personal college experience to compare it to, that I inhaled, but no, I’m your typical goody-two-shoes. A square. My closest comparison would be doctor-prescribed medicines. What I’ve experienced sounds like what friends have described at parties (at college or the like). I personally don’t like what I’ve experienced. My reaction is one of the reasons I fought so hard to have surgery without being put under.

I think, too, that I’m the type of person who experiences all those scary, horrible side effects that you hear on the commercials on TV. Who wants to have difficulty breathing, rashes, dizziness, seizures, bleeding, coma, heart attacks, stroke, urinary tract infections, thoughts of suicide, your bits falling off, death? Okay, I’m not sure about your bits falling off, but I’ve heard all the other ones mentioned and have experienced way too many side effects to be comfortable with. So, why would anyone in their right mind want to take something with those possible side effects? Death? Really? Good times. Neat.

I haven’t found that any of the drugs I took had benefits that outweighed the side effects I felt. Why would I choose to be groggy 18 hours after taking something to help me sleep? And, it didn’t even help me sleep, just kept me awake and groggy through the night. Thank goodness I have a sister who is a pharmacist. She’s been able to tell me that I’m having a reaction and how to stop (you can’t always go cold turkey). Are those allergic reactions what people like to experience? Is that the “high” that people talk about?

Oh, like carrying around little wax paper things of white powder doesn't look sketchy?
Five Eleven told me about this. I seriously thought she was doing something illegal.
It's a southern thing.

I used to be the person who would throw out their Advil and Tylenol because it would be outdated before I even came close to using a small bottle up. (Yes, my pharmacist sister is all about dates on meds). Now, I’ve used up those bottles trying to find relief for my headaches, but they have never actually taken the entire headache away.

Do you take meds for something? Do you find that they actually help you? Do you experience side effects? Do you like those side effects? Can you live with what you have without take any meds?

I’ve found myself having to live with new levels of headaches. What used to be a 4 or 5 (on the pain scale out of 10) when this whole thing happened, occasionally goes up to a 6 or 7 or even 8. Then, I have to wait until my body gets used to that new level and feels like a 4 or 5 again to me. Not fun, but what else do I do?

Generic Advil and Benadryl. Benadryl helps with nausea.
Just makes you sleepy unless you're one of the people it makes jittery.

I’m not all anti-drug, just so you know. I don’t mind some drugs. Allergy meds in the spring and Benadryl are my friends. When my doctor highly recommends something that may help me, I’ll now take her advice and try it. Even if I start with half of the most possible baby dose they make. And, one of these days, we might actually find something that works where I’m not trippin’ like Alice.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

There is mention of meds during childbirth in my book here

But, You Look Fine…

One of the hardest parts of having this head injury has been fighting what others say. I wrote about it once and I’m still dealing with it. Since day one, I’ve heard, “But, you look fine.” For the most part, yea, I look in the mirror and see that same person that had been there before (minus a little spark in my eyes). I like to joke and say that I can’t help being so adorable…I was born that way. I guess if I had ended up splitting my head open and having some sort of disfiguring injury, I might elicit a bit more sympathy.

I may look fine on the outside. Inside...not so much.

It’s hard for friends, and even family, to look at me and think that I’ve got something wrong going on. “You look fine,” they say. What no one sees is the extreme thought and energy that I need to use now to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. When I have to focus and concentrate on doing something, I end up absolutely exhausted. Like I ran a marathon. I’ll have to take a nap that may be longer than the amount of time it took to do the task. Seems stupid, I know, especially when I used to be the Queen of Multi-Tasking. The previous me would think it was stupid too. But, to those with post-concussive syndrome, or PCS, this is normal.

Being able to take a short walk a few times a week is a success. I’m trying to work my way up to a mile. For me, that seems crazy. Especially when it’s on relatively flat ground, too. Like the beach. I miss my days of hiking. Doing the 4,000+ footers in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Going out on those trails that say they are only for the most experienced of hikers. The ones where if you fall in a crevice, you’ll need rope to climb out. The ones where if you fall, you have to do everything in your power to grab hold of a root or something to stop your sliding descent. The ones where you bring survival gear just because you never know what situation you’ll run into or what weather may blow in. Now, I walk a hundred feet or so and rest a few moments. You can’t tell me that isn’t frustrating.

This is a goal of mine...to be able to stand on top of a mountain again.

Admitting your limitations to yourself is hard. Knowing what you used to be capable of doing and comparing it to what you can do now is hard. I look like I should be able to walk any distance or even go for a run. I look like I should be able to work. I look like I could mow my own lawn. I look like I could go out in a noisy restaurant or bar and meet up with people. I look like I could be in a store for more than 40 minutes. I look like I could ride a bike. I look like I could vacuum my house without earplugs. I look like… I look like I could do a lot of things. But, right now still, I can’t.

A friend of mine, who is also a psychologist, has been a wonderful support in this whole, ‘But, you look fine’ thing. He has Lyme Disease. I’ll call him Jim. To the average person, Jim is a good-looking, normal guy. No spots, no bulls-eyes on his face. He’s smart and funny. He’s a normal Joe. Or, Jim. Because of the Lyme, he has fare-ups where he is absolutely exhausted, where his clothes feel like they’re made out of sandpaper, where he has excruciating headaches. But, he looks fine. People with cancer can also look fine, another friend pointed out. Ask them how fine they feel.

This isn’t a case of mind-over-matter either. It’s just a brain injury. A real, honest-to-goodness invisible injury that is just taking its own sweet time to heal. I know that I’m better off than a lot of people who have had concussions. And, I’m worse off than others. I’m thanking my lucky stars that I can still write and spell (though, I do actually mess that up often these days and as a writer and Boggle and Scrabble psycho, that’s tough). I can function on my own for most daily tasks. Thanks to all my friends who have helped me with the tasks I just can’t do. I can still drive. I can still laugh and smile, though I don’t always understand things like I used to. Especially if I wasn’t fully concentrating on what someone was saying.

So, if you see me, or someone else with a silent illness, give that person a little slack, or maybe a little help. Just because we may look fine, it doesn’t mean we really are.

Do you or someone you know “look fine” but aren’t and are going through a similar situation? Please share below.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com

http://www.amazon.com/Unexpectations-Barbara-Beige/dp/1457504162

Doubting My Jedi Powers

I have always told my girls that they can do anything they want to do…that they have special powers; special abilities…that they were part Jedi. Jedis are special like that.

I never said I had Jedi Photoshop abilities. Don't judge me.

I’m not totally sure when I decided that I was part Jedi. It was probably in 1977 when I was at the movie theatre watching that first Star Wars when it came out. I’m guessing that a lot of other people were hoping they were Jedi too. I mean, how cool is it to live half your life just being you, but then realizing you had special powers? (Ooh, realization of my coming out…special girl lesbian powers…hmm…) With just a little training in a swamp by a toad-like critter…you could be awesome (um, except for lesbian training, that would just be gross).

Yea, he's talking to me.

Over the years, whenever I’ve done anything that seemed slightly cool (or coordinated), I’d chalk it up to the Force being with me. I didn’t need to be tested to see what my midichlorian count was to know I was Jedi (is that even covered by health insurance?), I just knew I was.

I believed that my Jedi powers could help me heal faster. Like a broken wrist that took six weeks when I was told it would take 18 minimally. How could that not be Jedi-influenced? Or, having surgery without general anesthesia or dental work without Novacaine…that has to be from being a Jedi, right?

Now, as I approach the four month mark of being slammed into a concrete wall and dealing with post-concussive syndrome, and not feeling even close to myself still, I’m starting to doubt the Force. The Dark Side is encroaching into my life. Frustration comes when what I want to do collides with what I can actually do.

What kind of Jedi experiences extreme exhaustion and a pounding head from cleaning and caulking a bathtub? (And, no, it wasn’t from chemicals…I was using baking soda and lemon juice). A headache that brings me to tears? Omg, am I sounding like a whiny Luke Skywalker? Nobody likes whiny Luke.

I guess I’m just trying to express how I feel. So, that was yesterday (and other days). And, today, after sleeping ten hours (yes, ten hours!), you’d think I’d have a better day. Still woke up with a pounding headache (I should be used to those by now). Did little fix it projects…like repairing the metal detector battery holders for Little One and trying to mend my 8’ stunt kite that has been sitting lame for years for Oldest. And, then, the world spun. At what seemed like out of the blue, everything spun one way. Slammed to a stop and jolted quick the other way. Wacked with a light saber.

Eyes closed for a few hours. More rest. And, finally enough energy to scrawl this out to type another day. What kind of Jedi does this happen to? It’s not like I’m Superman and there’s Kryptonite around. Though sometimes it can feel like that too.

I’m just looking forward to a day when I’m back to myself. Cruising around (and cranking tunes) in my land speeder. Going for drinks with friends at the Mos Eisley Cantina or other Portland or Hallowell pubs. Finding moments of cool and coordinated. Knowing that I’m Jedi again.

I'm driving the Land Speeder. I don't know why my girlfriend is looking so shiny.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com