Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Doubting My Jedi Powers

I have always told my girls that they can do anything they want to do…that they have special powers; special abilities…that they were part Jedi. Jedis are special like that.

I never said I had Jedi Photoshop abilities. Don't judge me.

I’m not totally sure when I decided that I was part Jedi. It was probably in 1977 when I was at the movie theatre watching that first Star Wars when it came out. I’m guessing that a lot of other people were hoping they were Jedi too. I mean, how cool is it to live half your life just being you, but then realizing you had special powers? (Ooh, realization of my coming out…special girl lesbian powers…hmm…) With just a little training in a swamp by a toad-like critter…you could be awesome (um, except for lesbian training, that would just be gross).

Yea, he's talking to me.

Over the years, whenever I’ve done anything that seemed slightly cool (or coordinated), I’d chalk it up to the Force being with me. I didn’t need to be tested to see what my midichlorian count was to know I was Jedi (is that even covered by health insurance?), I just knew I was.

I believed that my Jedi powers could help me heal faster. Like a broken wrist that took six weeks when I was told it would take 18 minimally. How could that not be Jedi-influenced? Or, having surgery without general anesthesia or dental work without Novacaine…that has to be from being a Jedi, right?

Now, as I approach the four month mark of being slammed into a concrete wall and dealing with post-concussive syndrome, and not feeling even close to myself still, I’m starting to doubt the Force. The Dark Side is encroaching into my life. Frustration comes when what I want to do collides with what I can actually do.

What kind of Jedi experiences extreme exhaustion and a pounding head from cleaning and caulking a bathtub? (And, no, it wasn’t from chemicals…I was using baking soda and lemon juice). A headache that brings me to tears? Omg, am I sounding like a whiny Luke Skywalker? Nobody likes whiny Luke.

I guess I’m just trying to express how I feel. So, that was yesterday (and other days). And, today, after sleeping ten hours (yes, ten hours!), you’d think I’d have a better day. Still woke up with a pounding headache (I should be used to those by now). Did little fix it projects…like repairing the metal detector battery holders for Little One and trying to mend my 8’ stunt kite that has been sitting lame for years for Oldest. And, then, the world spun. At what seemed like out of the blue, everything spun one way. Slammed to a stop and jolted quick the other way. Wacked with a light saber.

Eyes closed for a few hours. More rest. And, finally enough energy to scrawl this out to type another day. What kind of Jedi does this happen to? It’s not like I’m Superman and there’s Kryptonite around. Though sometimes it can feel like that too.

I’m just looking forward to a day when I’m back to myself. Cruising around (and cranking tunes) in my land speeder. Going for drinks with friends at the Mos Eisley Cantina or other Portland or Hallowell pubs. Finding moments of cool and coordinated. Knowing that I’m Jedi again.

I'm driving the Land Speeder. I don't know why my girlfriend is looking so shiny.