Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Missing Me

I try so hard to be a positive person. I like to look at the glass half full. I try to find the good in everything. I appreciate even the small things in my life. I say I live in a world of fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows. What could be happier than that? But, sometimes, even the most positive of people can be down. Can be frustrated. I’m finding myself going there.

I’ve had this concussion for over 3 weeks now. It’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I’m forgetting what it feels like to not have my head pound constantly. I so miss music. I never imagined not having music every day in my life. You may remember that I even blogged about that. I’m lucky that I can now listen to a few songs now and then…if they are quiet. I was never much of a tv person but an occasional show to laugh at or with would be nice. I can almost watch a half hour sitcom. As long as I mute the commercials (and loud introduction…like the Big Bang Theory song that usually I’d find so catchy) and close my eyes during those. They are too flashy and over-stimulating for my head.

Everything feels so over-stimulating most of the time. 

I feel like I’m losing myself and who I am. The me who likes to write and express myself with words. I come up with little quips occasionally that I’ll tweet. I rarely get on Facebook these days to see what is going on with friends and family. I miss wishing them Happy Birthdays. The flickering of the computer more that twenty minutes once or twice a day is more than my head really wants. Thoughts come to me of things I’d like to write about. I jot them down. On paper. Hoping that I’ll be up for it at some point.

From the outside I look fine. People look at me and wonder why I’m not back to work. Why I’m not out and about doing things. That’s probably the most frustrating part for me. I’ve always considered myself to be a strong and tough woman (I do have those German genes that I always say add to my strength). Yea, I look fine. But put me anywhere with flickering fluorescent lights or loud sounds or lots of movement and visual stimulation and I’m not fine. Not in my head. And, then not in my belly. Nausea kicks in. How can even the toughest be fine if they feel like I do? I’m the one who had surgery last year without general anesthesia. What the heck?

So, I’m just feeling like I just need to express some frustration. Tell people where I’ve been. I have a CT scan tomorrow that I hope will give us some answers on why I’m still feeling like I am. Just so you know…I hadn’t gone into hiding. I just rest a lot. With my eyes closed. I want to come back soon. I want to come back to being me. I want my glass to fill up. I want to see those fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows again. Wish me luck. 


Sunday, May 13, 2012

And the Gallinippers Fly

5-11 Sexy Boi-Sexy Twang describes having a large insect in Illinois. Here, we call them crane flies. There, they call them gallinippers. I think that is a rather fun word to describe this harmless creature (though the word is also used to describe a vicious large mosquito out Michigan way). So, I came up with this little poem where I can say gallinipper lots.

Almost 2-1/2 inches long, these critters can seem quite daunting.

Spring ponds warm
And the gallinippers fly.

Adrift on the wind
And the gallinippers fly.

Pulled by currents
And the gallinippers fly.

Only days to live
And the gallinippers fly.

Thoughts of mating
And the gallinippers fly.

The gallinippers fly
The gallinippers fly.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Baby Photo Dating Story

I thought I'd try a little photo story of how I met 5-11 Sexy Boi-Sexy Twang. These are actual baby pictures of me. (My parents paid real, hard-earned money for them; if you can believe it). My relationship with her is really not as painful as it may appear to be in the photos below. Lol.

What?! Who me? Date? Gosh, no. I'm not ready. Just got out of a relationship.
I need to take time for me. I have no interest in getting out there for a while.

But, I'll chat with this nice girl who follows me on Twitter. Just as friends.
DMs back and forth. Then Facebook. Then texts. Then talk.

Wow! She sounds nothing like I expected. Where'd she get that sexy twang?
I have a thing for accents.

Oh my god! We talk for how long each night? 
Thank goodness we have Verizon-to-Verizon free calls.
And this is as friends? We're becoming good friends. Really good friends.

Something is going on inside me. I'm pretty sure it's not just gas.

I think I might really like her. As more than friends.

Yea. I do.

Oh my god, I really do.

It's an amazing connection. Started from the inside out.
We can't get enough of each other.

This long distance thing between visits will be hard.
I'll try not to be sad when we're apart.

I'm just so content. I feel so accepted for who I am.
Everyone deserves to feel this way.
Here's hoping this grows up into something big.