Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Missing Me


I try so hard to be a positive person. I like to look at the glass half full. I try to find the good in everything. I appreciate even the small things in my life. I say I live in a world of fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows. What could be happier than that? But, sometimes, even the most positive of people can be down. Can be frustrated. I’m finding myself going there.

I’ve had this concussion for over 3 weeks now. It’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I’m forgetting what it feels like to not have my head pound constantly. I so miss music. I never imagined not having music every day in my life. You may remember that I even blogged about that. I’m lucky that I can now listen to a few songs now and then…if they are quiet. I was never much of a tv person but an occasional show to laugh at or with would be nice. I can almost watch a half hour sitcom. As long as I mute the commercials (and loud introduction…like the Big Bang Theory song that usually I’d find so catchy) and close my eyes during those. They are too flashy and over-stimulating for my head.

Everything feels so over-stimulating most of the time. 

I feel like I’m losing myself and who I am. The me who likes to write and express myself with words. I come up with little quips occasionally that I’ll tweet. I rarely get on Facebook these days to see what is going on with friends and family. I miss wishing them Happy Birthdays. The flickering of the computer more that twenty minutes once or twice a day is more than my head really wants. Thoughts come to me of things I’d like to write about. I jot them down. On paper. Hoping that I’ll be up for it at some point.

From the outside I look fine. People look at me and wonder why I’m not back to work. Why I’m not out and about doing things. That’s probably the most frustrating part for me. I’ve always considered myself to be a strong and tough woman (I do have those German genes that I always say add to my strength). Yea, I look fine. But put me anywhere with flickering fluorescent lights or loud sounds or lots of movement and visual stimulation and I’m not fine. Not in my head. And, then not in my belly. Nausea kicks in. How can even the toughest be fine if they feel like I do? I’m the one who had surgery last year without general anesthesia. What the heck?

So, I’m just feeling like I just need to express some frustration. Tell people where I’ve been. I have a CT scan tomorrow that I hope will give us some answers on why I’m still feeling like I am. Just so you know…I hadn’t gone into hiding. I just rest a lot. With my eyes closed. I want to come back soon. I want to come back to being me. I want my glass to fill up. I want to see those fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows again. Wish me luck. 




@Ybbeige
www.barbarabeige.com
http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

4 comments:

  1. lisa pagano-stottMay 30, 2012 at 8:56 PM

    keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...hope you feel better SOON!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry everything is so bad right now.. Listen to the dr and rest.. Miss your blogs to.. Hope everything gets back to nor for you.. Sending you prayers..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Feel Better Honey.. I have had a couple of concussions over the course of my athletic life (my younger days) Sending you huge hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's been 4 months now and I'm a little better. Still not close to functioning normally though. Chiropractic/Neurology appointments 3xs a week seem to be helping. It's a long road for sure...

    ReplyDelete

Please share your thoughts and comments. Thanks!