Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Remember That One Time When You Were a Felon?

Life is never dull. That’s for sure. Either you find excitement or it comes to you. Well, it came to me. 

I’d like to think that I’m a fairly good judge of character and that I tend to gravitate towards people who are generally good…at least in the law-abiding sense. So imagine my response when I found out that I was dating a felon. Astonishment. Disbelief. What the heck? And, are you freakin’ kidding me?

Here I thought Five Eleven was a wonderful, sensitive woman. Caring, thoughtful, smart, funny, handy as all get out. A boi. Her own self. Great with kids. An incredible lover. Never did I think she was a watch-out-you-just-dropped-the-soap kind of lover.

I'm sorry that my life is so dull that I do not have actual pictures of friends in jail.
I had to resort to birds in cages. I do have a friend who works in a prison. Does that count?

How could a woman who has served in Desert Storm, Afghanistan and Iraq end up as a felon? A woman who worked as a drill sergeant to help turn around severely troubled youth in our country? A woman who has been nothing but supportive for me through this whole head injury? The idea just blew my mind. And, hers actually.

It turns out that Five Eleven is not a felon. (You can breathe a sigh of relief Mom and Dad). But, she was called one for about two weeks. Five Eleven was trying to get a new job. She passed the interviews, drug screenings and physical tests (that other women just haven’t been able to) with flying colors. Then it came to having a background check.

Thank goodness the pet store had two kinds of birds in cages to
add visual interest to this post.
Actually, I know I have pics somewhere from when I
used to have a Blue & Gold Macaw...hmm...

It’s amazing how companies who do background checks don’t always look you up with your social security number. Scary actually. Why do we even have that number then? Where Five Eleven used to live, there were a dozen people in that same county with her first, middle and last name. So, is it any wonder that someone else with that same name would have a criminal record? And have spent three years in prison? If the background company actually verified her work history, they would have seen that she was busily employed then and not spending time in some jail for embezzlement. Or, a quick call to the State Police like she did would have clarified things immediately.

So, being a felon put Five Eleven’s hiring date back some which has been a bit of a nuisance, but the good news is she has a new job and she is no longer a felon. Phew! We will be talking about this for a good long time, I’m sure. Like, forever. Even telling our grandkids about it. I can tell them about my time at Band Camp (which we really just called Band in the summer). And, she can tell them about …that one time…when she was at felon camp. You go, good-bad Grandma!*

*Five Eleven does not want to be called Grandma in real life. We have many years (I hope) to contemplate what we’d like to be called by our future Grandbabies.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

My Boyfriend Died

Yep. He did. He was a cute little thing too. Thank you for your condolences. Now, before you get all crazy with a, “But I thought she was a lesbian and now she has a boyfriend,” attitude, let me clarify. My Boyfriend was a fish. A cute little corydoras catfish. RIP little fish.

No, My Boyfriend is not in this picture. Never did get a picture of him.
Fish do not pose.

And that was his name. My Boyfriend. My Oldest and I laughed like crazy when we came up with that name. And then we laughed every time we talked about him. It sounded better when she said it, because, well, I have a girlfriend. Even Five Eleven was thrown off a bit when I first mentioned My Boyfriend to her. I don’t think that’s something your girlfriend wants to hear.

So, when I had my drink first by the tank, the fish swam over to check out the straw.
As soon as I pulled out my camera to get a picture of them "drinking," they stayed away.

You probably also want the details on what happened. I’m thinking the pH got off and he couldn’t handle it like the other fish. My Boyfriend was delicate. Obviously too delicate.

So, when we get the pH back in line, I’d like to get another cory or two. We’ll have to name one My New Boyfriend for my Oldest. And the other one, we’ll name, My Boifriend With An I, just because we wouldn’t want it to sound weird or anything when I said it.