Totally No Recall

I experienced the Twilight Zone. Well, something that seemed equally sci-fi that I just couldn’t wrap my head around. Maybe it was because my mind just didn’t seem to be working. It was a bit frightening actually.

Imagine someone telling you that you did something or that something happened in your life for four days and you couldn’t recall it? Not one bit. It’s really quite freaky. Makes your brain hurt, literally, just trying to remember. Here’s how things went:

Little One and I got into the car to go somewhere (don’t ask me to remember that part either). As we sat in the driveway, I noticed a lot of what looked like critter hair between the front seats.

“That’s weird,” I said.

“What?” replied Little One.

“That looks like dog hair,” I said pointing.

“It is.”

“But, Five Eleven just vacuumed and detailed the car. It was spotless,” I said remembering that I knew she had definitely detailed my car. “When was a dog here?”

“Last week when you drove them to the beach to walk.”

“Who?”

“Jeep Girl and Delilah.”

“They were here?” I asked.

“Umm…for like four nights.”

“Oh.”

At first it felt like a practical joke. Like Little One was teasing with me. Then it momentarily got scary.

“Did I take pictures while they were here?”

“Yea, especially of Delilah’s butt when she was eating ice cream in the car.”

I don't know if I'd recommend eating ice cream like this unless you are a little doggie.

I looked at my phone. Sure enough, there were pictures of a dog’s bun-hole. Oh, and us getting ice cream. I can now totally hear Jeep Girl’s laugh in my head. We were laughing about something. Must have been about Delilah’s (aka the lesbian rat-terrier’s) bun-hole. But, we also laugh about a lot of things when we are together. I looked in my day planner. Days of their visit were marked by a long, continuous arrow.

How could I possibly have forgotten this face? 

Now, my not remembering this should not in any way make you think that Jeep Girl and Delilah are so snoozy that I’d forget about their visit. On the contrary, Jeep Girl is a great, interesting, adventurous, outdoorsy person with the absolute, best laugh. (So, if you are an available, cute, sporty girl in the Central Massachusetts area…she is also available).

Yep. Proof of the puppy on the beach.

It’s now taken me several weeks to piece together more of their visit. Things are coming back. Sometimes those memories are triggered by something that just gets me thinking. At least I can remember their visit perhaps until I stop thinking about it and trying to remember it. Then, it’ll be like much of my current life with post-concussive syndrome…having memory losses.

So, if you come to visit me, make sure that I take lots of pictures on my phone and maybe make me jot things down in my day planner. But, if you don’t come to visit me, please don’t mess with me and tell me that you did.

I so know that you’re thinking about doing that…

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

A Chicky Beach Read

Not My Type: The New Reality Show

I’ll take the sporty blonde for 200, please.

As many of you may remember from The Baby Photo DatingStory, I started seeing someone who was “not my type.” I hemmed and hawed for a bit when we were just friends about taking things to the next level. Having mentioned that Five Eleven wasn’t my type while talking with My Sister the Pharmacist at the time, she gave me the best tidbit imaginable. She said, “Well, dating your type obviously isn’t working for you, is it?” Whoa. So true.

But, you know, Five Eleven is my type. She has all the characteristics of the perfect woman and perfect partner that I’ve always wanted. She’s caring and loving. Romantic, funny, sweet. She’s helpful, smart, sexy, creative, thoughtful, handy…and on and on. Plus, she’s absolutely crazy about me. What’s not to love and what’s not my type?

Kinda like Einstein's quote on the definition of insanity...doing the same thing
over and over and expecting a different outcome. Dating the same type can feel like Insanity.

Just because she didn’t fit into my typical physical what-I-was-attracted-to-before traits, I almost lost out on the best thing I’ve ever had. I used to tend towards the more sporty, feminine-edged lesbians. Not the girly, feminine girls either (those aren’t my type). Very rarely did I do a double take at a Boi or more Butchy-edged lesbian with the thought of perhaps dating. When we were “just friends,” I even told Five Eleven several times that she wasn’t my type. Dang, what a heartbreaker I was…

So, lately, I’ve been repeatedly giving this “not-my-type” advice to several friends. One of which is a straight friend who wasn’t having much luck dating in the last several years. I think she has finally got it! She’s dating a guy closer in her age range (though she doesn’t look her age). This weeded out the ones who don’t know what they want or the ones with young kids which she doesn’t want to do anymore. Responsible, working men who may not own their own companies and several houses will be there to lavish more attention on her which is her type. They also can spend time cuddling on the couch watching sporting events like she likes to do.

We are all so quick to judge people based on what they look like on the outside. That’s why shows like The Voice have come into play. You only initially judge the singer on their voice versus seeing who you’re listening to which may actually influence you.

I think that’s where I lucked out with Five Eleven. We started talking long-distance just as friends. I fell in love with her from the inside out. Now, when I see her, or when she sends a pic to my phone, my insides just melt. She is so physically my type.

So, I think there should be a new, reality dating show called “Not My Type.” Find out what people want in a partner. Find out what their type is…what are they looking for in a relationship? If it’s blue-eyed, blonde-haired movie star look, see what about that is absolutely necessary. If they’re looking for someone who is funny and who loves country music, cooking at home together and mountain biking, how is the blonde hair and chiseled jaw going to help that? Seriously?

Maybe start them off just talking on the phone for several “dates?” You can tell a lot by the sound of someone’s voice. Does their voice irritate the heck out of you? Intrigue you? Excite you? Calm you? (I told Five Eleven that she had a sexy voice the first time I heard her…even as friends).

And, hey, how about what they actually say? Do you connect with them? Have things in common? Do you like how they think? What do they want in a relationship? What have they had? How would they change things? What kind of future do they see for themselves? Does your conversation flow? Do you always have things to talk about? Are the quiet moments okay?

Those should be the things that really matter. Those connections and similarities make someone our type. Yes, physical traits and chemistry play a part. If you’re active and tend towards the athletic, you’ll hear how they run or hike in the stories they tell. And, if they aren’t in top physical shape, but would like to be more active again, you’ll have something to do together if that’s important to you. Just be honest.

Being truly honest is required. No cat-fishing allowed. (See that’s where the physical stuff comes into play more so than who they really are). You can’t lie and say you like something or you like to do something when you have no real interest in it. You need commonalities and knowledge up front. At least the realization of them. Don’t waste everyone’s time. You can have differences, of course, but some likes have to be there.

Are there things that Five Eleven and I don’t have in common? Yes. For one thing, I love the ocean and swimming. She doesn’t. At all. Will that work? Yes. She likes the beach and the outdoors. She can watch me boogie board or one day surf in the big waves and I can resuscitate her from her panic when I come back to shore. She can free-climb cliffs or repel down rock faces while it’s my turn to panic from down below (there’s no way I’m hanging off the top of a cliff to watch her). Important thing is we’ll be together in nature, which we both love. Thank goodness she is my type.

So, on this reality show, after the face-to-face date, when this “not-my-type” person turns out to be brown-haired and brown-eyed, is that really a deal breaker from everything you learned about them? What if they are the same height as you and you say your type is taller? Why do we have so many pre-conceived notions of what we want physically? Have those physical traits made a difference in your relationship before? Did it work out for you? Obviously not if you’re out looking again. What if this person who doesn’t fit your “type” turns out to be the most amazing partner, lover and friend? Would have been a shame to pass them up just because they weren’t blonde, huh? So, maybe it’s time to start making some real, life-lasting connections instead? Then, “Not My Type” just might become My Type.

Are you with someone who wasn’t your type? What makes for a good partner? Please share below!

@Ybbeige

Erica Harding finds someone who wasn’t her type in this novel, Unexpectations.

My Boyfriend Died

Yep. He did. He was a cute little thing too. Thank you for your condolences. Now, before you get all crazy with a, “But I thought she was a lesbian and now she has a boyfriend,” attitude, let me clarify. My Boyfriend was a fish. A cute little corydoras catfish. RIP little fish.

No, My Boyfriend is not in this picture. Never did get a picture of him.
Fish do not pose.

And that was his name. My Boyfriend. My Oldest and I laughed like crazy when we came up with that name. And then we laughed every time we talked about him. It sounded better when she said it, because, well, I have a girlfriend. Even Five Eleven was thrown off a bit when I first mentioned My Boyfriend to her. I don’t think that’s something your girlfriend wants to hear.

So, when I had my drink first by the tank, the fish swam over to check out the straw.
As soon as I pulled out my camera to get a picture of them "drinking," they stayed away.

You probably also want the details on what happened. I’m thinking the pH got off and he couldn’t handle it like the other fish. My Boyfriend was delicate. Obviously too delicate.

So, when we get the pH back in line, I’d like to get another cory or two. We’ll have to name one My New Boyfriend for my Oldest. And the other one, we’ll name, My Boifriend With An I, just because we wouldn’t want it to sound weird or anything when I said it.

@ybbeige

www.barbarabeige.com

Butch Leaning

There’s something to be said about the image of a strong figure. A woman in particular. I love this picture of 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang that her cousin took. (She was thinking of me at the time which makes it even more special.) This is one strong woman.

Dang! 5-11 sure can rock the toolbelt.

In our patriarchal society, usually men are the ones that are portrayed as strong beings. I’m glad that there is finally some deviation from that norm though even now the man who doesn’t fit that traditional norm may be bullied and hurt (or worse) because of that. Same for women. Women who don’t fit into typical feminine stereotypes are often perceived differently in peoples’ minds. Or, gasp, mistaken for men.

As a tool-belt-wearing-tomboy-sort-of-girl myself, I’d grown up with people questioning me and my not-so-girlish ways.

When I came out as a lesbian, I never looked twice at women who fell into the more masculine Boi or Butch sort of categories. I found myself leaning towards women who were more like me…ones who showed off their figures, wore a little makeup but who were still sporty or athletic.

Maybe it was because I had been married to a man for so long that I wanted to be as far away from that perceived masculinity as possible? Maybe it was because I came out just before the L-Word and most every lesbian portrayed on that show was quite feminine? What was I thinking? My problem was that I had been judging others on their outward appearance and not getting to know them for who they really were.

And how is one supposed to think that not every lesbian is super feminine?

When I first started talking to 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang as a friend, I even told her that she wasn’t my type. Again, what was I thinking? Seeing her and falling in love with her from the inside out totally changed “my type.”

I’ve kind of become obsessed lately with knowing more about Boi and Butch culture. 5-11 shares things with me constantly. Though she labels herself as ‘soft butch’ for the purpose of labeling in our society, she is who she is.

Yes, she’s stronger than most men I know. Way stronger. Yes, she shops in the men’s department but she is also the most caring, loving and supportive woman I have ever known. She’s protective of me and our family. She’ll go all ninja on anyone who tries to hurt us. With her military background; trust me on that. She’s a caretaker in the traditional masculine sense. Someone to lean on. Through anything. She’s been like a rock to me through this whole head injury of mine.

When I look at her…with her masculine clothes and zero makeup…and rocking the toolbelt like no one else can, I see the most beautiful woman there is. And, that is always my type.

What “type” do you go for? What is your perception of more masculine women? Please share your thoughts and comments below.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com
My Chick Read

Coming Out...It's a Scary Thing

I caught a few minutes of a show on NPR radio last night about Matthew Shepard. How he was taken from a bar, brought out to a desolate area, tied up to a fence, beaten and left for dead. He was found the next day, but died a few days later from his wounds. All, because he was Gay.

I'd heard about Matthew before. And, others who have been beaten or killed because they were gay. And, every time, my heart would ache. The thought of people hurting other human beings because of this (well, for any reason) sickens me. I've always felt this way - even before I realized I was gay.

Being gay is no different to me than being a man or a woman or being black or white. It just is. It's how you're born.

You're probably thinking, but you weren't born that way? You came out in your mid-30s. Hindsight is 20/20. I can tell you a time when I was 4 years old where I knew I was gay. If I was gay at 4, I was probably born that way.

I wish people knew how hard it is to come out and to admit to the world that you're gay. (If we were all just accepted for who we were, coming out wouldn't even be an issue). There is tremendous turmoil that we deal with inside ourselves. A lot of it has to do with how we think our families or society will accept us. And, what if they don't? We aren't any different from who we've always been, but we will be viewed differently from that moment on.

We lose friends. We lose family. The hurt of this can be overwhelming. Many gays and lesbians turn to alcohol or drugs to ease the hurt and all those feelings. Why are we put down and viewed differently just because we love someone of the same sex? It wasn't even a choice for us. It just is. It's who we are. Why is there anything wrong with that?

Rejection of any sort is hard. No one likes it. And, then, when you can't help but be who you are, you're rejected. Does my loving another woman really have any impact on you and your life? Why should it be any different than the impact any man and woman have on anyone else when they are in a healthy, loving relationship?

Love is love. If we had more love, it could only make this world a better place. It's sad that people can't always openly express to society who they love. It's even more sad when people are beaten or even killed because of who they want to love. Would you do or say something about yourself knowing that that is a possibility? How scary is that? How scared would you be knowing that you could be hated, beaten or killed for being yourself?

I hope I never have to face such physical hatred with my being so vocal about who I am (I've already dealt with the emotional hurt). I'm going to continue to speak out and write about it though until everyone who wants to be out, can be out. It's a risk; but this is who I am. It's how I was born. I'm just me. And, I always will be me. No matter who I love.


@Ybbeige
Unexpectations...a bit of my story

Famous for a Difference

I'm feeling like I need to clarify on my earlier post. We began talking today at work about doing things and becoming famous. One of my coworkers said she had fame in her 40s with her art; but it was too much. She prefers the simpler life of now.

I know that I said I wanted to be famous. But, I don't want to be famous for famous-sake. I want to be known so that I can be a role-model or set an example or help other women.

When I started writing my novel and I figured out that I was gay in the process, I knew back then that I wanted to make a difference. And that I could make a difference. It's scary going through what I went through. So many thoughts go through your head. You see your life and the world as you know it torn apart. Your day-to-day life with a husband and kids just totally changes. That ease of daily routine will no longer be the same. You feel like you're alone when you have those feelings. The "Oh my god, I can't be gay, can I?" thoughts and feelings. "I'm a married woman. How can this happen to me? What will my life be like if I admit to the world that I'm a lesbian? Do I have to tell anyone? How will it change my world?" And on and on...

Now, my book isn't just geared to women contemplating coming out. It's a story for women. It's a story about love and loss and hope and more love. If my desire to be famous has any impact, be it that more women hear of my story. Then, I hope they know that they can get through situations that seem hopeless. Situations that seem totally devastating like the loss of a child. Situations where you aren't sure if you even want to live any more. Trust me, I've been there myself. I explain some of those feelings in my book, Unexpectations. But, if I can instill hope and the desire to live in even just one person; to show someone that there is a happy at then end, then I will feel like I have made a difference in this world and that being famous isn't so bad.

Writing As a Journey

Maeve Binchy wrote in her book The Maeve Binchy Writer's Club about how, "A book is a journey." To me, that is so true. Writing my book, Unexpectations, has taken me on quite a journey. I started writing it as a form of therapy years after having a stillborn son. I was just trying to get my feelings out on paper. Those feelings turned into a fictionalized version of my experience which I decided would become a novel.

I developed characters. I researched locations. I outlined chapters and plots and listed all that would happen. And, then, as I was writing it, the ending took a completely different turn than what I had intended.

As with any journey, things change. In the process of my writing, the main character, Erica Harding, began taking on a voice in my head that seemed to totally veer from what I had outlined for her. I followed what she said to me. I started researching the lesbian path that she was taking me down. With interest, of course. After a period of time of writing and researching, I had one of those "aha moments" and realized that my character was me. I was the one needing to go down that path too. When I came out to my writer's group, they all said, "Yea, we knew that a while ago." What? Why was I the last to know?

Writing this book has totally changed my life but I feel like it has been for the better. I healed my heart from my loss (as much as a heart can heal from the loss of a baby) and I came out from what seemed to everyone as a perfect marriage. Life hasn't exactly been what I thought it would be. Even with hardships and things I've endured since then, I know that I am who I'm supposed to be. Isn't knowing that what much of our journey in life is all about? Things can only get better from here. The journey is still on...


Follow me on Twitter @Ybbeige
Unexpectations Kindle version