Everything Happens For a Reason

Every day that passes I’m drawn to the conclusion that everything in my life happens or has happened for a reason. Everything.

From relationships to the smallest of events to one of the most significant life events fifteen years ago. If you had told me then that the loss of my son had reason, I would have adamantly denied it. What reason could there be to explain why I had to carry a full-term still baby inside me for two days before I could deliver him? What was the reason for me even losing him in the first place?

Now, I see that event as having significantly shaped me. It gave me the strength to get through anything life could possibly throw at me…and with relative ease…if I take the time to step back and put things into perspective. It gave me the knowledge and wisdom to share my story with the world. It was what prompted me to write Unexpectations. That novel couldn’t possibly have conveyed the same feelings and emotions without me having experienced such loss and tragedy in my life.

That loss has also made me appreciate my girls and all those around me. And, of course, it makes me appreciate each and every day I have on this earth and all the beauty and abundance that continually surrounds me. Life is so short and we never know when our journey will end. That event has given me reason to step back and be thankful for everything I have now.

People come and go in our lives, too, for many reasons. I was married to a man for almost 14 years and we were together for 7 years before that. Why? To have my beautiful girls. To show me that I can be in a healthy, long-term relationship with my best friend at the time. To know that what we think our path in life is, can change. To give us the courage to step out and find ourselves if we are on the wrong path.

I was also in a five year relationship with a woman after having left that marriage. It turned into the most beige and unhappy thing I could imagine. Reasons why I stayed for so long? To show myself that I was again capable of long-term commitment (which is very important to me when things are working between two people and the decision to move in together states away is made). I stayed because of the friendships I made with her friends and family. (At least I’ve maintained many of those still). I stayed because I don’t believe in giving up on a partner who is having health issues. But, now, I look at that relationship as a gauge. A gauge to watch out for my own needs too. I can’t just give and give and take care of someone without someone also wanting to take care of me.

A more recent relationship with a young and beautiful woman revealed to me that my heart could once again open to the thought of love and commitment. In the end, we were on two different pages for that, but my heart still opened after having been so hurt from Ms. Five Year. I thank her for that. The other thing that came out of that relationship was my eventual meeting of another woman that was in her life too. We had heard about each other from Young & Beautiful but didn’t know the extent of the relationship she was having with each of us. That just lead each of us to going out and trying to find the kind of relationship we really wanted. We each dated someone else before we found each other on Match.

Coincindence?  I think not. I think the timing of all that happened with Young & Beautiful led us on this path to meet. So, having found someone with such a similar background and way of thinking and needs and wants of the future is a good thing in my book. She is mature and sexy and beautiful and funny and the list goes on. We are just going to ride this wave. You know the one during the first three months that are filled with passion and excitement? We are going to enjoy it for all we can, but also work on building our foundation on friendship. Work on becoming best friends and true love will follow.

So, there are reasons why everything happens. Reasons to work towards a long-term relationship with a mature and beautiful woman with whom I totally click and fit with? Where friendship is the foundation. Where we have the understanding that we are there to enhance each other’s lives and not complete them. To join each other’s families and find the sheer joy in the day-to-day. To build memories all together. To come home to someone who appreciates you for you. To have someone who smiles whenever they see you. To climb into bed at the end of a long day with someone who only has eyes for you. Yea, they all seem like good reasons to me. Really good reasons.

http://www.barbarabeige.com/
@Ybbeige

Coming Together

Today is one of those days where I feel like everything is coming together for me. In my personal life and with my book. I like days like this. Days where I feel like I’ve put so much positive energy and positive thought into what I want that I actually can manifest anything. On days like this, I can’t help but smile. And smile some more.

The book update is that the publisher is shipping me the complimentary copies (all five of them) of my first novel, Unexpectations. I should get them in the next week or two they said. I’m hoping sooner. Seems like that’s just pony express-type delivery. What about priority mail? I can’t wait to actually feel one in my hands. I know they aren’t hard-bound, but they are a real book. I’ve seen the style that’ll be in the interior. I’ve seen the front and back cover designs. I’m trying to imagine it as one cohesive unit. One cohesive book. My dream all put together.

When I receive them, if they look okay, I’ll immediately put in an order so I can send copies out to my friends who want them autographed. Seems funny to me that people want my autograph, but I’ve always thought it was cool to have a book signed by an author too.

Today, I was also able to proof and edit my press release. This is what will go out to hundreds of different media outlets to let them know about my book. I tweaked a few words in it. I wasn’t crazy about the publisher’s description of my book being “utterly heartbreaking and wildly exotic.” Hard to picture a New England setting as exotic. I changed that to “utterly heartbreaking and wildly captivating.” Unless they meant erotic as a friend suggested? Don’t worry…this novel isn’t in that genre though it does contain several sex scenes. (I’ll have to talk about how it was writing those sometime…more difficult than you’d think!).

Everything is just feeling good for me. I wish that on everyone else I know too. I’m all about positive thinking. Don’t look at what is wrong in your life. Look at what is right. I’m certain everything will be shifting to all good if we can keep thinking that way. And, all of our lives will have that coming-together feeling. It just feels right that way.

Proof Pages

This week I got the proof pages of the interior of my book emailed to me from the publisher. It was my entire book in the layout of what I approved from a few sample pages less than 2 weeks ago. And, it’s the layout of what the final book will look like. Can I say that I am totally excited?

I have my own ISBN number! There is the blurb about this book being a work of fiction and anything similar to real persons or events is purely coincidental. Yea, we’ll go with that.

One part that makes me totally smile when I think about it, is seeing my name at the top of every other page and the name of the novel, Unexpectations, at the top of the other pages. I guess since I wrote this and had the thought of publishing it, I never thought of seeing that. It wasn’t something that even went through my head. Yea, my name on the cover, but not on every other page! Some books are formatted like that. Some aren’t. I’ll go with it.

There are still so many steps in getting this book out. I’m trying to be as patient as possible. I made it through the “quiet, anxious stage” as my contact at the publishing house described it. But, I’m still a bit anxious.

One of the things I’m most looking forward to seeing is the cover art. I gave them a photo to incorporate along with some ideas. My example looked like it would make for a great wedding invitation. I told them not to make it look like that. But, I want it to appeal to women (that’s the main audience this book is geared towards, but I’ll welcome any and all readers!). I also told them I wanted something unexpected on the cover. I hope it goes with what’s inside. I’m creative but not that creative to do the cover design myself.

This is the photo that I uploaded to use for the cover art.
It's one of my mom's orchids. Very Georgia O'Keefe.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that it is a real book in the making. I’m sure that as far as the excitement goes surrounding it, I’ll always have that. Because I have that about writing in general. Yea, I’ll go with it.

Famous for a Difference

I'm feeling like I need to clarify on my earlier post. We began talking today at work about doing things and becoming famous. One of my coworkers said she had fame in her 40s with her art; but it was too much. She prefers the simpler life of now.

I know that I said I wanted to be famous. But, I don't want to be famous for famous-sake. I want to be known so that I can be a role-model or set an example or help other women.

When I started writing my novel and I figured out that I was gay in the process, I knew back then that I wanted to make a difference. And that I could make a difference. It's scary going through what I went through. So many thoughts go through your head. You see your life and the world as you know it torn apart. Your day-to-day life with a husband and kids just totally changes. That ease of daily routine will no longer be the same. You feel like you're alone when you have those feelings. The "Oh my god, I can't be gay, can I?" thoughts and feelings. "I'm a married woman. How can this happen to me? What will my life be like if I admit to the world that I'm a lesbian? Do I have to tell anyone? How will it change my world?" And on and on...

Now, my book isn't just geared to women contemplating coming out. It's a story for women. It's a story about love and loss and hope and more love. If my desire to be famous has any impact, be it that more women hear of my story. Then, I hope they know that they can get through situations that seem hopeless. Situations that seem totally devastating like the loss of a child. Situations where you aren't sure if you even want to live any more. Trust me, I've been there myself. I explain some of those feelings in my book, Unexpectations. But, if I can instill hope and the desire to live in even just one person; to show someone that there is a happy at then end, then I will feel like I have made a difference in this world and that being famous isn't so bad.