The DeLorean vs the Faggot

Recently, I was waiting at one of those forever lights to make a left into the local grocery store plaza. You know the kind. The ones where there are somehow ninety different ways people can come and go? The ones where when you get there with the green arrow in your favor, you feel like you’ve won the lottery? Yea. One of those.

I got there just as my arrow turned red. But, it was okay. It was an absolutely beautiful day. Temperatures were in the mid 60s, skies were as blue as all get out, that fall smell was in the air, leaves on surrounding trees were vibrant in the warm palette. There was nothing remotely bad about the day.

So, I was just sitting there. Enjoying it all. When, in the opposite lane, I saw a glimpse of stainless steel. Could it be? Really? Stainless steel? Yep. There it was, driving past me. The confirming DMC on the front grill. I gasped or ooh-ed or something I’m sure of it. And I turned my head to follow it as far as I could swivel, trying to take it all in.

“Sweet,” definitely came from my lips.

It was a DeLorean. A DeLorean! You know, the car from the movie, Back To The Future? With Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly? Who goes back in a DeLorean time machine and has to get his parents to meet so he can be born? The DeLorean with the flux capacitor? And the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity needed to start it in 1955? The one with, “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads,” DeLorean? I happen to love DeLoreans. And, that movie.

I hope I never look that old when I get in and out of my DeLorean...

All that shiny, stainless steel. The clean lines of an Italian designed car. The gull-wing doors. It has gull-winged doors! Ooh, how I would love a car with those. You could squeeze into a parking spot with only a foot of clearance and get out with more room than you could with a “normal” door. And, I’d love to hear ‘psshhh’ every time I opened my door. Like I had been vacuum-sealed inside. Gosh, I hope that isn’t just a movie sound effect…

So, I’m still sitting at the forever light, windows half down, warm breeze blowing in, my mind buzzing about the DeLorean. Thinking back to how when I was a kid, the neighbor through the woods on the street way behind ours had one. Must have been brand new. It was the early 80s. The only time they were production made (totally brand new that is...they still make 'em!). I’d ride my bike over there often trying to catch glimpses of the car. I was mesmerized by it. Sure beat the giant “wood” paneled, gargantuan, behemoth of a station wagon we had in our driveway. Then, the movie came out in 1985…those were the days.

My dvd with sticker goop still on the cover. I'll have to scrape that off.

In my head I’m thinking how I can’t wait to tell Five Eleven about my spotting when I get home or even tweet about it. I’m honestly excited by it. Made my good day even better. But then, as I finally get the green arrow and the traffic beside me gets to go straight through, someone (in a non-descript, plain ol’ car) yells at me just as they are past me...

“Faggot!”

Really? Faggot? Directed at me? What? You wait until you are past me to call me that? Coward. Seriously still? Faggot? I’m blown away. Hurt actually. I guess coming out later in life and living in a progressive area, I was never exposed to such a derogatory remark. At least to my face (well, even this wasn’t that).

So, as I was waiting at the signal, thinking only good thoughts about one of my dream cars and playing movie quotes in my head, someone was behind me, focusing their energy on my rainbow peace sign, supportive gay marriage bumper sticker (which did pass and we do have legally in this state. Get over it), and thinking negative things. Really?

Obviously, they didn't read this one...

Were these what prompted the 'Faggot' slur?

Life is so short. And, as I know, your life and things you can do, can change in a moment. Why not focus on positives and world peace and treating all people nicely? You know, that fluffy bunny, happy rainbow stuff that I’m all about? Gosh, if only we could go back to the future and change things and perceptions. But, what would we use as a time machine?

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

Story of love, loss, hope, new love & coming out:Unexpectations

Coming Out...It's a Scary Thing

I caught a few minutes of a show on NPR radio last night about Matthew Shepard. How he was taken from a bar, brought out to a desolate area, tied up to a fence, beaten and left for dead. He was found the next day, but died a few days later from his wounds. All, because he was Gay.

I'd heard about Matthew before. And, others who have been beaten or killed because they were gay. And, every time, my heart would ache. The thought of people hurting other human beings because of this (well, for any reason) sickens me. I've always felt this way - even before I realized I was gay.

Being gay is no different to me than being a man or a woman or being black or white. It just is. It's how you're born.

You're probably thinking, but you weren't born that way? You came out in your mid-30s. Hindsight is 20/20. I can tell you a time when I was 4 years old where I knew I was gay. If I was gay at 4, I was probably born that way.

I wish people knew how hard it is to come out and to admit to the world that you're gay. (If we were all just accepted for who we were, coming out wouldn't even be an issue). There is tremendous turmoil that we deal with inside ourselves. A lot of it has to do with how we think our families or society will accept us. And, what if they don't? We aren't any different from who we've always been, but we will be viewed differently from that moment on.

We lose friends. We lose family. The hurt of this can be overwhelming. Many gays and lesbians turn to alcohol or drugs to ease the hurt and all those feelings. Why are we put down and viewed differently just because we love someone of the same sex? It wasn't even a choice for us. It just is. It's who we are. Why is there anything wrong with that?

Rejection of any sort is hard. No one likes it. And, then, when you can't help but be who you are, you're rejected. Does my loving another woman really have any impact on you and your life? Why should it be any different than the impact any man and woman have on anyone else when they are in a healthy, loving relationship?

Love is love. If we had more love, it could only make this world a better place. It's sad that people can't always openly express to society who they love. It's even more sad when people are beaten or even killed because of who they want to love. Would you do or say something about yourself knowing that that is a possibility? How scary is that? How scared would you be knowing that you could be hated, beaten or killed for being yourself?

I hope I never have to face such physical hatred with my being so vocal about who I am (I've already dealt with the emotional hurt). I'm going to continue to speak out and write about it though until everyone who wants to be out, can be out. It's a risk; but this is who I am. It's how I was born. I'm just me. And, I always will be me. No matter who I love.


@Ybbeige
Unexpectations...a bit of my story

Famous for a Difference

I'm feeling like I need to clarify on my earlier post. We began talking today at work about doing things and becoming famous. One of my coworkers said she had fame in her 40s with her art; but it was too much. She prefers the simpler life of now.

I know that I said I wanted to be famous. But, I don't want to be famous for famous-sake. I want to be known so that I can be a role-model or set an example or help other women.

When I started writing my novel and I figured out that I was gay in the process, I knew back then that I wanted to make a difference. And that I could make a difference. It's scary going through what I went through. So many thoughts go through your head. You see your life and the world as you know it torn apart. Your day-to-day life with a husband and kids just totally changes. That ease of daily routine will no longer be the same. You feel like you're alone when you have those feelings. The "Oh my god, I can't be gay, can I?" thoughts and feelings. "I'm a married woman. How can this happen to me? What will my life be like if I admit to the world that I'm a lesbian? Do I have to tell anyone? How will it change my world?" And on and on...

Now, my book isn't just geared to women contemplating coming out. It's a story for women. It's a story about love and loss and hope and more love. If my desire to be famous has any impact, be it that more women hear of my story. Then, I hope they know that they can get through situations that seem hopeless. Situations that seem totally devastating like the loss of a child. Situations where you aren't sure if you even want to live any more. Trust me, I've been there myself. I explain some of those feelings in my book, Unexpectations. But, if I can instill hope and the desire to live in even just one person; to show someone that there is a happy at then end, then I will feel like I have made a difference in this world and that being famous isn't so bad.

Writing As a Journey

Maeve Binchy wrote in her book The Maeve Binchy Writer's Club about how, "A book is a journey." To me, that is so true. Writing my book, Unexpectations, has taken me on quite a journey. I started writing it as a form of therapy years after having a stillborn son. I was just trying to get my feelings out on paper. Those feelings turned into a fictionalized version of my experience which I decided would become a novel.

I developed characters. I researched locations. I outlined chapters and plots and listed all that would happen. And, then, as I was writing it, the ending took a completely different turn than what I had intended.

As with any journey, things change. In the process of my writing, the main character, Erica Harding, began taking on a voice in my head that seemed to totally veer from what I had outlined for her. I followed what she said to me. I started researching the lesbian path that she was taking me down. With interest, of course. After a period of time of writing and researching, I had one of those "aha moments" and realized that my character was me. I was the one needing to go down that path too. When I came out to my writer's group, they all said, "Yea, we knew that a while ago." What? Why was I the last to know?

Writing this book has totally changed my life but I feel like it has been for the better. I healed my heart from my loss (as much as a heart can heal from the loss of a baby) and I came out from what seemed to everyone as a perfect marriage. Life hasn't exactly been what I thought it would be. Even with hardships and things I've endured since then, I know that I am who I'm supposed to be. Isn't knowing that what much of our journey in life is all about? Things can only get better from here. The journey is still on...


Follow me on Twitter @Ybbeige
Unexpectations Kindle version