Thursday, August 30, 2012

Warming Lotion, Spin Cycles & Cold Showers

I’ve always been the type of mom to explain things to my kids and they’ve always been the type of kids to ask questions. Sometimes I think they might regret that. Both the explaining and the asking. But, hey, how are they going to learn anything?

This summer was mostly the summer of Little One asking the questions. Little One is 11. Closer to 12 than 11 (which is a big deal when you’re 11). But questions lead to teaching moments. Usually moments that horrify Oldest. I could tell this by the eye rolls. This could also be known as The Summer of Eye Rolls.

It all started off on my birthday while watching a most funny movie, The Great Outdoors. Now, we had seen this before and my girls really dislike “stupid funny movies,” as they call them, and they were hoping to never see it again. But, my dear friend, Named After a Thai Dish, was over and the girls gave her “guest choice” of movies to watch (while we ate incredibly delicious German chocolate cake baked entirely from scratch by Oldest). To their horror, Auntie Named After a Thai Dish, chose The Great Outdoors. Yes! Birthday wishes do come true!

German chocolate cake made by Oldest. I like it without the pecans.
Started doing it that way when I was allergic to them. About the time I came out.
Allergic to nuts and men all at once. Imagine that?
So…during the movie, there was a scene where Connie Ripley (played by Stephanie Faracy) and Kate Craig (played by Annette Bening) were talking and there was mention by Kate that the only way she thought she could get pleasure was by leaning against the washer during the spin cycle.

And here’s the question...What does the spin cycle mean?
Pause the movie…
And, there’s the eye roll…
Then, the explanation

Giant steaks with fat and grizzle, water skiing, freaky twins, raccoons....what's not to love?
Auntie is a science teacher so she could have been backup info but I think a second piece of German chocolate cake was calling to her at that very moment from the kitchen.

I thought it went without a hitch. I’ll have to remember that spin cycle thing…my Maytag has a spin cycle that shakes the house like a shuttle launch…hmm…most excellent thought…

I'm not sure any of us can look at our washing machines the same way now...

 Another teaching moment came when we were at Just A Buck. Girls wanted eye shadows to use almost like face paints (Little One breaks out with most regular face paints). I was down the aisle picking up Epsom salts that we all enjoy in our Half Baths. Lo and behold, behind me (next to the home pregnancy and home menopause tests) was a whole section of boxes labeled ‘warming lotion.’

The glittery gold packaging was quite a draw to Little One’s eyes (she’s my bling girl).

So, after the question of what is it, I start to explain that it is used on genitalia during sex and that some people like that sensation… and a woman walks down our aisle. If Oldest rolled her eyes anymore, they’d have been stuck forever in the back of her head. She was probably ready to die inside now with someone else to hear my explanation. Besides her thinking, “Who is this woman who claims to be my mother and why does she keep talking?” I’m sure what I was saying was sounding Chinese to her at that very moment, except for the words like ‘genitalia’ and ‘sex.’ Those were broadcast over a loudspeaker in English.

Okay, so they know what warming lotion is now anyways.

Now, another question came up during on of my favorite movies, Tomb Raider (now also one of Little One’s favorite movies). There is a scene with the naked (and pretty smokin’ body as far as men go) Alex West (played by Daniel Craig) and well-positioned chairs or boots worn by Lara Croft (played by Angelina Jolie). At the end of their conversation, West mentions he now needs a cold shower.

 I don't know what's sexier...the wet and naked Daniel Craig or Angelina's boots.
Okay, I'm going with the boots.

“Why?” asks Little One.
Eye rolls from Oldest (as she dies just a little bit more inside).
Explanations of hard penises and the effect of chilly water on them from me.
Back to the movie like nothing happened.

Don’t even get me started on explaining the play-on-words phrase, Cunning Linguist, said by Moneypenny to James Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies. Yea, it was that kind of summer.

Do your kids ask questions? Do you answer?


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Just Rub ChapStick On It

Kids just inspire little stories like this.

Me: 10:50 pm. Sleeping.

Little One: I have a splinter in my lip. Well, above my lip.

Me: How in the heck did you get that?

Little One: Look at it. (Turns on light.)

Me:  Blinded. Honey, I can’t see a thing.

Little One:  It’s right here. Points at the space above her top lip and below her nose.

Me: Baby, I can’t see anything. Literally, I can’t see anything. Can we look at it in the morning?

Little One:  It feels like a kiwi hair or a cactus prickle. She’s now looking at it with a flashlight by my full-mirrored closet doors (they were there when I bought the place), blinding me even more.

Me: What were you doing with a kiwi? (We don’t have cactus in the house anywhere).

Little One:  I didn’t eat a kiwi.

Me:  Delirious. Maybe it’s an ingrown hair? Put some ChapStick on it.

Little One:  No. It’s a splinter. It’s not on my lips. Pointing again.

Me:  My eyes are so squinchy still from the light. I know, Baby. You can still rub ChapStick there. It’s clear and no one will see it. You’re supposed to be in bed anyway.

Little One:  Drudges off with her flashlight. And, her splinter.

Next Morning
Me:  How’s your splinter?

Little One:  Rubbing her upper lip with that, ‘Oh yea, I had a splinter there,’ sort of look. It’s gone.

Me:  Did you put ChapStick on it?

Little One:  Uh huh.
Me:  Nodding.

ChapStick. Not just good for lips and lesbians. Good for delirious-moms-in-the-middle-of-the-night-first-aid-moments.

ChapStick. The wonder stick. Remember my other blog that featured it?


Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sleeping With the Enemy. Or, Things I Learned from Roger.

So, being the nature mom that I am, I thought it would be a great idea to catch the giant tomato caterpillar (aka tomato hornworm) that was decimating one of my tomato plants and bring it in for observation. Yea, so that was an interesting experience. Here are some things I learned from the critter we named Roger:

1. Tomato hornworms eat a LOT.
2. My girls said it was MY pet and I had to clean its tank (or rather large vase).
3. Tomato hornworms make a disgusting mess in their tanks.
4. Their back ends open completely to poop.
5. Their poop looks like little green mulberries.
6. Roger works as a fantastic diet aid when kept on the dining room table. Kinda curbs your appetite. Not kinda. Definitely curbs it.
7. You lose all will to eat with a fat caterpillar in your kitchen.
8. My friends think he’s pure evil and that I’m sleeping with the enemy. (I didn’t sleep with him just so you know. I am a lesbian and not a zoophiliac).
9. Tomato hornworms don’t do well in captivity. I don’t do well with tomato hornworms in captivity. Three days is my max.
10. My neighbor likes Roger much more than I do.

Did you know that formicophilia is a form of zoophilia where you have an interest in having insects crawl or nibble on you? Yea, that's creepy. So is paraphilia which could include applying insects to your genitals. Double creepy.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Mom, You're Freaking Me Out

So, this was my night last night. At 12:45 am.

Me: (sleeping)

Oldest: Mommy? (She says as she opens my bedroom door). There’s a BIG spider next to my bed.

Me: Hi, Baby Girl. (Me thinking: She never wakes me up. Something's up. And, there was something about a spider.)

Oldest: Mom! It’s gigantic and I’m not going to be able to sleep with it there.

Me: Ok, Baby, I’ll get it. (I grab a tissue and go out as all spider killers should. Buck naked. There are no places to hide undressed like that.)

Oldest and Me looking. We see nothing.

Me: Where was it?

Oldest: It was in the corner climbing up the wall. It’s probably up by…

Me thinking: OMG, it’s HUGE and it’s right by Little One’s head in the top bunk. If I don’t get it, it’ll go past my funky ceiling panels and they’ll be sleeping with me which means no one sleeps.

I climb up the ladder to the top bunk.

This wasn't the kind of spider that was in the girls' bedroom.
It was more like one of those spiders you'd see in the rocks by a lake.
I wasn't going to stop and take pictures of it last night.

Little One: What are you doing?

Me: (As I eye the spider) I just came up to give you hugs.

Little One: What?

Me: Hugs, Baby, hugs. Can’t I just give you hugs? (As I try to hug her and discreetly reach for the spider).

Squish. God, I hope it’s in the tissue. Please be in the tissue.

Little One: Mom, you’re freaking me out.

Me: I love you, too.

I climb down the ladder and feel something drop on my toe. OMG, my heart rate shoots up. I’m thinking the spider was still alive and dropped out of the tissue. It was just a gummy bracelet. Still felt like a spider.

I throw out the tissue.

Me: Love you, girls.

Oldest & Little One: Love you, too, Mom.

Mom by day. Spider killer by night. All in a day’s work.

Unexpectations for Kindle

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I Got What From a Slug?

I’ve been trying to maintain my sense of humor this summer for my girls through this head thing so I don’t worry them. Oldest tends to worry, and, well, so does Little One.

Last week, Oldest was mowing the lawn and I was covering the grill. I found several bright orange slugs attached to the cover that had been crumpled overnight near the compost container. I took a slender metal stake that was nearby and skewered a few.

I thought I was being funny with my slug kabob (or slugabob as 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang called it). I held it out to show Oldest as she pushed the mower past and I faked taking a bite. I lost my balance or something (I just do that these days) and the slugs went flying. They bounced off my hands and body and deposited orange goo all over me. Of course this whole maneuver got both of us laughing.

Brushing my hands in the grass did nothing to remove the slug slime. I ran inside and washed it off after eww-ing a few times. Went back out and realized it wasn’t off. Went back inside and repeated the procedure. Now, you’re thinking that I must be a moron and can’t wash my hands or am just rinsing like a kid would do. No. I’m psycho about hand-washing. Especially since I worked in food prep and in schools before. Out again. Two more spots still remained on my hands. What. The. Heck?

Still slippery. Still orange.

My mind started racing with the potential economic profits of my find. Skin moisturizer? Wrinkle cream? Tanning solution? Personal lubricant? High temp engine lubricant? The possibilities were endless. Imagine driving around in a nice car or living in a house funded by slugs…finally a purpose for these destructive garden critters.

Sacrificial Alter. You should see how many people freak out when
your toddler is saying that as one of their first phrases. 

Slugs, especially these dusky slugs, are prolific. Ask anyone with a garden. Just a few weeks ago, I hand-picked 57 off my lemon thyme and put them in our sacrificial alter (a feeder for the birds in the center of the bird bath). Little One was fascinated by how many I was finding and counted them for me. That’s how I knew how many I had.

Seems like such a waste of good beer, but this was from one night's catch in the lemon thyme. I was surprised at how many baby slugs ended up in there.
Guess they are born with a taste for Landshark.

Well, all this seemed like a really great idea until I began seeing a correlation between touching slugs and getting poison ivy. Pluck a few slugs from the mulch; poison ivy on my arm. Pull dozens off my lemon thyme; poison ivy on my thighs. Make one lousy slug kabob; and, well, omg, it’s where I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And, no, I was not testing the personal lubricant idea… As a facial moisturizer or wrinkle cream, I didn’t need my eyes swelling shut and having to go to the doctor for prednisone from some sort of venereal slug disease (another 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang phrase).

So, what can I do? Buy more Ivarest, keep my fingers away from itchy places, catch more slugs without touching them and just keep laughing.

I need to buy stock in this stuff. Seriously.