Thursday, August 30, 2012

Warming Lotion, Spin Cycles & Cold Showers

I’ve always been the type of mom to explain things to my kids and they’ve always been the type of kids to ask questions. Sometimes I think they might regret that. Both the explaining and the asking. But, hey, how are they going to learn anything?

This summer was mostly the summer of Little One asking the questions. Little One is 11. Closer to 12 than 11 (which is a big deal when you’re 11). But questions lead to teaching moments. Usually moments that horrify Oldest. I could tell this by the eye rolls. This could also be known as The Summer of Eye Rolls.

It all started off on my birthday while watching a most funny movie, The Great Outdoors. Now, we had seen this before and my girls really dislike “stupid funny movies,” as they call them, and they were hoping to never see it again. But, my dear friend, Named After a Thai Dish, was over and the girls gave her “guest choice” of movies to watch (while we ate incredibly delicious German chocolate cake baked entirely from scratch by Oldest). To their horror, Auntie Named After a Thai Dish, chose The Great Outdoors. Yes! Birthday wishes do come true!

German chocolate cake made by Oldest. I like it without the pecans.
Started doing it that way when I was allergic to them. About the time I came out.
Allergic to nuts and men all at once. Imagine that?
So…during the movie, there was a scene where Connie Ripley (played by Stephanie Faracy) and Kate Craig (played by Annette Bening) were talking and there was mention by Kate that the only way she thought she could get pleasure was by leaning against the washer during the spin cycle.

And here’s the question...What does the spin cycle mean?
Pause the movie…
And, there’s the eye roll…
Then, the explanation

Giant steaks with fat and grizzle, water skiing, freaky twins, raccoons....what's not to love?
Auntie is a science teacher so she could have been backup info but I think a second piece of German chocolate cake was calling to her at that very moment from the kitchen.

I thought it went without a hitch. I’ll have to remember that spin cycle thing…my Maytag has a spin cycle that shakes the house like a shuttle launch…hmm…most excellent thought…

I'm not sure any of us can look at our washing machines the same way now...

 Another teaching moment came when we were at Just A Buck. Girls wanted eye shadows to use almost like face paints (Little One breaks out with most regular face paints). I was down the aisle picking up Epsom salts that we all enjoy in our Half Baths. Lo and behold, behind me (next to the home pregnancy and home menopause tests) was a whole section of boxes labeled ‘warming lotion.’

The glittery gold packaging was quite a draw to Little One’s eyes (she’s my bling girl).

So, after the question of what is it, I start to explain that it is used on genitalia during sex and that some people like that sensation… and a woman walks down our aisle. If Oldest rolled her eyes anymore, they’d have been stuck forever in the back of her head. She was probably ready to die inside now with someone else to hear my explanation. Besides her thinking, “Who is this woman who claims to be my mother and why does she keep talking?” I’m sure what I was saying was sounding Chinese to her at that very moment, except for the words like ‘genitalia’ and ‘sex.’ Those were broadcast over a loudspeaker in English.

Okay, so they know what warming lotion is now anyways.

Now, another question came up during on of my favorite movies, Tomb Raider (now also one of Little One’s favorite movies). There is a scene with the naked (and pretty smokin’ body as far as men go) Alex West (played by Daniel Craig) and well-positioned chairs or boots worn by Lara Croft (played by Angelina Jolie). At the end of their conversation, West mentions he now needs a cold shower.

 I don't know what's sexier...the wet and naked Daniel Craig or Angelina's boots.
Okay, I'm going with the boots.

“Why?” asks Little One.
Eye rolls from Oldest (as she dies just a little bit more inside).
Explanations of hard penises and the effect of chilly water on them from me.
Back to the movie like nothing happened.

Don’t even get me started on explaining the play-on-words phrase, Cunning Linguist, said by Moneypenny to James Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies. Yea, it was that kind of summer.

Do your kids ask questions? Do you answer?


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