Missing Me

I try so hard to be a positive person. I like to look at the glass half full. I try to find the good in everything. I appreciate even the small things in my life. I say I live in a world of fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows. What could be happier than that? But, sometimes, even the most positive of people can be down. Can be frustrated. I’m finding myself going there.

I’ve had this concussion for over 3 weeks now. It’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I’m forgetting what it feels like to not have my head pound constantly. I so miss music. I never imagined not having music every day in my life. You may remember that I even blogged about that. I’m lucky that I can now listen to a few songs now and then…if they are quiet. I was never much of a tv person but an occasional show to laugh at or with would be nice. I can almost watch a half hour sitcom. As long as I mute the commercials (and loud introduction…like the Big Bang Theory song that usually I’d find so catchy) and close my eyes during those. They are too flashy and over-stimulating for my head.

Everything feels so over-stimulating most of the time. 

I feel like I’m losing myself and who I am. The me who likes to write and express myself with words. I come up with little quips occasionally that I’ll tweet. I rarely get on Facebook these days to see what is going on with friends and family. I miss wishing them Happy Birthdays. The flickering of the computer more that twenty minutes once or twice a day is more than my head really wants. Thoughts come to me of things I’d like to write about. I jot them down. On paper. Hoping that I’ll be up for it at some point.

From the outside I look fine. People look at me and wonder why I’m not back to work. Why I’m not out and about doing things. That’s probably the most frustrating part for me. I’ve always considered myself to be a strong and tough woman (I do have those German genes that I always say add to my strength). Yea, I look fine. But put me anywhere with flickering fluorescent lights or loud sounds or lots of movement and visual stimulation and I’m not fine. Not in my head. And, then not in my belly. Nausea kicks in. How can even the toughest be fine if they feel like I do? I’m the one who had surgery last year without general anesthesia. What the heck?

So, I’m just feeling like I just need to express some frustration. Tell people where I’ve been. I have a CT scan tomorrow that I hope will give us some answers on why I’m still feeling like I am. Just so you know…I hadn’t gone into hiding. I just rest a lot. With my eyes closed. I want to come back soon. I want to come back to being me. I want my glass to fill up. I want to see those fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows again. Wish me luck. 

@Ybbeige

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Old Lady Painter Music

I tweeted yesterday that a friend of my Oldest daughter said that my music was “Old Lady Painter Music.” I painted today (that’s what the interior designer side of me loves to do) and I listened to music. I tried so hard not to listen to “my music” today. I don’t think I liked it.

Some of it was okay. I liked Train, Pink, Florence and the Machine, Adele, Flo Rida, and Eric Hutchinson. I used my song-id app to find out that I liked Eric Hutchinson. Most of the music was just not to my liking. At least not to paint to. I guess I’m a classic rock girl. But, I do like other music. It really depends on my mood. I have come out of the 70s and 80s a bit...I like Lucinda Williams, Brandi Carlile, Norah Jones, Diana Krall, Ray LaMontagne…

So, was it my upbringing? And, why do some of my friends who are also in their mid-40s like the newer music? What happened to me? How do we determine our musical likes? Will I be listening to the same music genres for the rest of my life? I can picture myself driving down the road in my 80s with a head of white hair blowing in the wind with Journey or Talking Heads or Genesis (old Genesis with Peter Gabriel at the helm) or Heart or Jefferson Starship cranking.

My first real rock album.
These guys looks SO cool in their leather and fur jackets.
What was your first rock album?

If I think back to my youngest musical influences, I remember my parents buying me Mitch Miller albums. With sing-a-long books in them with songs like In the Shade of the Apple Tree and Goodnight, Irene that I can still hear my grandmother singing. Thank goodness for a Cool Uncle who got me my first rock album. Foreigner’s Double Vision. Yea, they were a local band from Rochester NY where I grew up; and I almost got to jam with the bassist who was friends with one of my drum instructors, but they were real music.

Yea, I still have one of those first albums. Don't ask me why.

I do have old country music in my blood too. Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Willy Nelson, Emmylou Harris. Can’t help that. My dad would drag me to country bars or country jamborees when I was 16 and 17 to play drums with some of his friends. I haven’t really broken much into new country except for a few songs or bands. So, that brings me back to why am I still stuck in the past and some people are moving on? Or, are there others out there like me just happy with music we grew up with?

It’s comforting.

New country that I do like...

This is a song that Mary Selvidge wrote and sings called I've Seen Angels.

Some days I want to relax to the Eagles, Tom Petty, ELO or Fleetwood Mac. Other days, I want to rebel with Joan Jett or Lita Ford or Wendy O. Williams. And, some days are in between. Having CDs that I can switch out is better for me than having the unpredictability of the radio (unless it’s a classic rock station).

Now, if it is what we are exposed to, why is it that my Oldest likes classic rock with even harder AC/DC and Aerosmith thrown in there plus oddities like Laurie Anderson and Michelle Shocked that I also still listen to and my Youngest likes the new music that I tried listening to today plus new country?

Do your kids like what you like? What makes us like new music? Is it exposure? Will I get the hang of the new stuff? Will it grow on me? Or, will I just always be listening to Old Lady Painter Music? 

Please share your thoughts below or at http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com

@Ybbeige
http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

Music for Vegetarians, Music for Beauty, Music for Life

Sometimes weird things pop into my head. When I opened the fridge and saw some fresh beets looking back at me, the song, "We've got the beets, we've got the beets" popped into my head. That's the vegetarian version of the 80s Go-Go's song that I used to love and play while in a girl band.

Whether it's a made-up song in my head or a real song, music is so important to me. I couldn't imagine a day without music in my life. I am grateful to the universe for also giving me the gift to hear that music.

Music is like a dear friend. You know that friend that you can go to and literally lean on when you're together? That friend who you can share anything with? That friend who you pick up with right where you left off no matter how much time has passed? That's how music feels to me.

I wake up every day to the song, "Heaven" sung by Brandi Carlile. To me, it's such a beautiful song. It's also a song of hope. Why would I not want to start my day with hope? And beauty? (I couldn't even imagine how my day would go if I woke up to a blaring alarm...)

Music has invoked many feelings in me. In yoga last week, Sarah McLachlan's acoustic version of "Answer" made me cry. It was playing softly in the background while we were in half pigeon. Could have been the hip opening that released the flood of tears, but I believe it was also the music that had me thinking.

I've used music to help with the natural delivery of my youngest child. Yo-Yo Ma playing Bach on his cello took away all pain of a very difficult delivery. I've even used the same CD (my favorite is the 1st in the set of the 2) to have dental work done without novocaine. Even where the dentist repeatedly and strongly suggested I use something to help me through. I didn't need anything more than the music.

I do have my favorite music that will circulate in the 5 slots of my CD player at home before I try out another favorite 5. Or, the one slot in my car. They have to fit my mood, though, too. And, that's the good thing about music...there are so many choices and styles and options. I can always find some type of music that speaks to me and is a reflection of how I feel (or how I want to feel). Thank you to all the musicians and singers who make that music. You make my world a better place.



@Ybbeige
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