Born to Surf: Just Haven’t Done It Yet

Even late in November, I’ve been eyeing the surfers off the coast of Maine…yes, they’re in wetsuits, but dang it, they’re surfing!

Do you ever feel like you’d be really good at something? Something you just keep Jonesin’ to do? Something you were born to do? My thing is surfing. Last year, I was going to try it with a friend but we just couldn’t coordinate our schedules with the waves then the drop in temps and my lack of a wet suit.

There hasn’t been a day in the last year and then some where I’ve seen big waves and haven’t just dreamed about riding them. I’ve been loving boogie boarding the last several years which I think is close. The bigger the waves, the better. Got the whole reading the ocean and paddling to catch the big ones down. Seems to me that surfing is just an extension of that…just need to stand up while catching that wave. And since I always do a push up off the board when I come in, I know I could get up on a longer board without a problem.

Summer of 2011. That's Ocean Hair, Baby!

It’s hard for me to explain the sheer joy that I feel when I’m in the water riding a wave…even if it has only been on a boogie board. The few times I went out to do that this summer were the only times when I haven’t felt my head pound from my head injury in May. 

Catching my breath between rides on an awesome boogie boarding day.

I know that I have some more healing to do before I can go surfing. There’s that whole balance thing that is kind of an issue. Seems rather necessary on a surf board. I keep walking on the beach. One of my neurologists said that it’s great to help with balance (and I suppose if I was to fall, it’s rather soft). Can’t beat walking on one of my favorite places in the world.

You can't tell me this wouldn't be fun?

Not sure how a girl from Upstate New York (the way upstate, not the just out of NYC upstate) can have such a love of the ocean. Maybe it’s my water sign (Cancer – the crab)? Maybe it was from summers spent playing in the big waves of Lake Ontario? Not sure exactly what it is, but the taste of the salt water on my lips and the way I feel so at home in the water just adds to the feeling I get when I think about surfing.

Yea. I'll be doing that soon.

And for now, it’s a goal for me. Not that I can rush the healing that my brain still needs to do, but it’s something I’m looking forward to. Really looking forward to. Even if I haven’t done it yet, I will. After all, I was born to surf.

Is there something you feel you were born to do? Are you doing it? Please share!

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com

http://www.amazon.com/Unexpectations-Barbara-Beige/dp/1457504162

But, You Look Fine…

One of the hardest parts of having this head injury has been fighting what others say. I wrote about it once and I’m still dealing with it. Since day one, I’ve heard, “But, you look fine.” For the most part, yea, I look in the mirror and see that same person that had been there before (minus a little spark in my eyes). I like to joke and say that I can’t help being so adorable…I was born that way. I guess if I had ended up splitting my head open and having some sort of disfiguring injury, I might elicit a bit more sympathy.

I may look fine on the outside. Inside...not so much.

It’s hard for friends, and even family, to look at me and think that I’ve got something wrong going on. “You look fine,” they say. What no one sees is the extreme thought and energy that I need to use now to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. When I have to focus and concentrate on doing something, I end up absolutely exhausted. Like I ran a marathon. I’ll have to take a nap that may be longer than the amount of time it took to do the task. Seems stupid, I know, especially when I used to be the Queen of Multi-Tasking. The previous me would think it was stupid too. But, to those with post-concussive syndrome, or PCS, this is normal.

Being able to take a short walk a few times a week is a success. I’m trying to work my way up to a mile. For me, that seems crazy. Especially when it’s on relatively flat ground, too. Like the beach. I miss my days of hiking. Doing the 4,000+ footers in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Going out on those trails that say they are only for the most experienced of hikers. The ones where if you fall in a crevice, you’ll need rope to climb out. The ones where if you fall, you have to do everything in your power to grab hold of a root or something to stop your sliding descent. The ones where you bring survival gear just because you never know what situation you’ll run into or what weather may blow in. Now, I walk a hundred feet or so and rest a few moments. You can’t tell me that isn’t frustrating.

This is a goal of mine...to be able to stand on top of a mountain again.

Admitting your limitations to yourself is hard. Knowing what you used to be capable of doing and comparing it to what you can do now is hard. I look like I should be able to walk any distance or even go for a run. I look like I should be able to work. I look like I could mow my own lawn. I look like I could go out in a noisy restaurant or bar and meet up with people. I look like I could be in a store for more than 40 minutes. I look like I could ride a bike. I look like I could vacuum my house without earplugs. I look like… I look like I could do a lot of things. But, right now still, I can’t.

A friend of mine, who is also a psychologist, has been a wonderful support in this whole, ‘But, you look fine’ thing. He has Lyme Disease. I’ll call him Jim. To the average person, Jim is a good-looking, normal guy. No spots, no bulls-eyes on his face. He’s smart and funny. He’s a normal Joe. Or, Jim. Because of the Lyme, he has fare-ups where he is absolutely exhausted, where his clothes feel like they’re made out of sandpaper, where he has excruciating headaches. But, he looks fine. People with cancer can also look fine, another friend pointed out. Ask them how fine they feel.

This isn’t a case of mind-over-matter either. It’s just a brain injury. A real, honest-to-goodness invisible injury that is just taking its own sweet time to heal. I know that I’m better off than a lot of people who have had concussions. And, I’m worse off than others. I’m thanking my lucky stars that I can still write and spell (though, I do actually mess that up often these days and as a writer and Boggle and Scrabble psycho, that’s tough). I can function on my own for most daily tasks. Thanks to all my friends who have helped me with the tasks I just can’t do. I can still drive. I can still laugh and smile, though I don’t always understand things like I used to. Especially if I wasn’t fully concentrating on what someone was saying.

So, if you see me, or someone else with a silent illness, give that person a little slack, or maybe a little help. Just because we may look fine, it doesn’t mean we really are.

Do you or someone you know “look fine” but aren’t and are going through a similar situation? Please share below.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com

http://www.amazon.com/Unexpectations-Barbara-Beige/dp/1457504162

Kisses Into the Wind

@Ybbeige
http://facebook.com/barbarabeige
www.barbarabeige.com

We Are All Pink On the Inside

Close your eyes.

Picture your spouse.

Think of how they make you feel. When you see them first thing in the morning. When you see them at the end of the day. When you see them after you’ve been apart even longer. When you are sharing close couple or family time together.

How do you feel when you see them smile? When you laugh with them? When you talk about your day with them? When you are making plans for the future with them? When you are doing the little day-to-day things together?

Love. Should just be simple.

Think of how they take care of you. How it feels to have them there for you. In sickness and in health. At home or in the hospital. Through all of life’s ups and downs.

Can you picture their hand in yours? How it feels when they hold you close? When your lips meet? When you make love? What does it do to your body? Your mind? Your soul?

Now, with that comfort you feel, the love that you feel, the warmth that rushes through you, those tingles that still excite you…does it really matter what sex they are? You’ve connected with them as a person for who they are on the inside. And for how they treat you. And for how they love you. And how they make you feel.

Why should heterosexual couples be able to have this (and all the legal and tax benefits that go with it) and gay and lesbian couples can’t?

Isn’t love just love?

If gay marriage was the norm, we wouldn't need to parade.
Well, we probably still would. Dang, we have the best parades.

Please support gay marriage during this election and help see that it becomes common place across the country. Everyone has a right to openly love and be loved.

It shouldn’t matter what we look like on the outside to love, we’re all pink on the inside.

Are you in a state where they are voting for gay marriage? Do you already live where gay marriage is legal? How do you feel about this issue? Does your religion affect your view? Please share below.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com
Unexpectations...has the straight and gay sex in it

Life is Too Short for Paper Plates

I was talking to Five Eleven today again about dishes and my quirk about drinking certain things out of certain glasses and eating things or not off certain types of dishes. And, growing up with a china cabinet full of fancy dishes that were hardly ever used.

I just couldn't imagine eating this off a paper plate...it would have to be very sturdy for one...and, well, why?

She isn’t particular about things like that. Except for a favorite coffee mug. A lot of people I know at least have a favorite cup for coffee or tea. Gives you a nice start to your day.

I have two different favorite ones. One was a gift from a friend. It’s covered with funny little robot/alien kinda people. Makes me smile. The other is a winter Japanese tea bowl style. It is a beautiful sage green color that I bought from Starbucks. One cools my drink down quicker…even though I joke about liking my coffee like my women…hot and black…I really prefer it barely hotter than warm. (Though I do like it black, or sometimes sweet or sometimes sweet and creamy…depends on my mood). The other holds the heat in…wonderful for warming my hands and holding close to my body while snuggled up on the couch with Five Eleven on a cold, cold day.

That cozy, warmth-holding tea bowl that I just love the feel of...from Starbucks.
This one makes me smile too.

Now, with drinks other than coffee, I insist on glass. Clear glass is best. To me, there are certain glasses that you can drink milk in and others you just can’t. Same with orange juice, iced tea, water…any kind of beverage. The glass has to have a certain feel in your hands and on your lips. The idea of drinking isn’t just to get the beverage into me…but to enjoy it. To make it an experience...of several senses.

Why do you think there are so many types of barware? Could you imagine drinking a margarita out of a pilsner glass? A cosmopolitan out of a shot glass? Or wine out of a tall cordial glass? Despite the popular thought that drinking is to do it in abundance, I think it’s all about the overall experience. Kind of why I don’t like to drink beer out of a can. It has to be a decent brew in a bottle or on tap in an appropriate beer glass. It’s about the feel and flavor of that one drink…not the saving calories or carbs and having it in mass quantities.

Onto dishes. Yes, we have paper plates here at the Chick Shack. I don’t think we’ve used them at all this past year (except as paint trays). But, I have kids, you say? Uh huh. And, paper is convenient. Real dishes are no less convenient. You pull them out of the cupboard just like the paper ones. But, the cleanup, you say? Most people have dishwashers that they could put them in. I don’t. To me, I’d rather take the time to wash real dishes by hand from a meal that we all sat down to enjoy than to use thin, cheap paper plates.

Presentation of pancakes on weekends is a lot of fun at our house.
Even kids can add their own whipped cream "hair."

There is something about the feel of real dishes…the way food looks on real dishes…and mostly, the way food tastes on real dishes. Presentation is everything. Make it look nice and you’re apt to enjoy your food…linger over it…and eat less. It really doesn’t take much to do this…take cues from your favorite restaurants or cookbooks, or from that food porn your friends are always posting on Facebook. Why does their food look (and taste) so delicious? Much of it is presentation. You may not be the best cook, but if your food looks good, people will think otherwise.

This just wouldn't look the same on white plates...eww...too white. These are from IKEA.
They were very inexpensive and they have a nice feel to them too.

So, maybe time is part of the problem? So many people are in such a hurry all the time. Doing too much or too many things? There is no reason why you can’t make time to sit down and have a real family meal together here or there. Turn off the tv, dim the lights, put on quiet music, light candles, sit at the table and make meal time a ritual (do this even if you only have weekends together…then find ways to do it more).

Quick and easy meal of mussels cooked in garlic, butter, lemon juice
and Reisling served on rigatoni.
Add a salad and some bread (okay, yours doesn't have to be homemade) and sparkly water. Voila!

Put out real dishes. Use the good ones from the china cabinet that you just look at. What are you waiting for? I grew up with those only being used on holidays, and then, as kids, we weren’t allowed to use them. Because we might break one? What? Sitting there eating? Give your kids some credit or teach them not to be animals at the table if they are. And what if one breaks? It’s just stuff. Take pleasure in the memories you are creating. Relish in the history of your family if using heirloom dishes. Your kids will only be kids for so long. Slow down this techno/ADHD lifestyle you are living. Breathe. Enjoy each other.

How many of us have had someone in our life one day and then they were gone the next? Life is too short to not enjoy family meal time. Or, relaxed dinners with friends. Life is too short to eat off paper plates.

So, do you have a quirk about drinking out of certain glasses? What's your take on paper plates? Please share below!

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com

Butch Leaning

There’s something to be said about the image of a strong figure. A woman in particular. I love this picture of 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang that her cousin took. (She was thinking of me at the time which makes it even more special.) This is one strong woman.

Dang! 5-11 sure can rock the toolbelt.

In our patriarchal society, usually men are the ones that are portrayed as strong beings. I’m glad that there is finally some deviation from that norm though even now the man who doesn’t fit that traditional norm may be bullied and hurt (or worse) because of that. Same for women. Women who don’t fit into typical feminine stereotypes are often perceived differently in peoples’ minds. Or, gasp, mistaken for men.

As a tool-belt-wearing-tomboy-sort-of-girl myself, I’d grown up with people questioning me and my not-so-girlish ways.

When I came out as a lesbian, I never looked twice at women who fell into the more masculine Boi or Butch sort of categories. I found myself leaning towards women who were more like me…ones who showed off their figures, wore a little makeup but who were still sporty or athletic.

Maybe it was because I had been married to a man for so long that I wanted to be as far away from that perceived masculinity as possible? Maybe it was because I came out just before the L-Word and most every lesbian portrayed on that show was quite feminine? What was I thinking? My problem was that I had been judging others on their outward appearance and not getting to know them for who they really were.

And how is one supposed to think that not every lesbian is super feminine?

When I first started talking to 5-11 SexyBoi-SexyTwang as a friend, I even told her that she wasn’t my type. Again, what was I thinking? Seeing her and falling in love with her from the inside out totally changed “my type.”

I’ve kind of become obsessed lately with knowing more about Boi and Butch culture. 5-11 shares things with me constantly. Though she labels herself as ‘soft butch’ for the purpose of labeling in our society, she is who she is.

Yes, she’s stronger than most men I know. Way stronger. Yes, she shops in the men’s department but she is also the most caring, loving and supportive woman I have ever known. She’s protective of me and our family. She’ll go all ninja on anyone who tries to hurt us. With her military background; trust me on that. She’s a caretaker in the traditional masculine sense. Someone to lean on. Through anything. She’s been like a rock to me through this whole head injury of mine.

When I look at her…with her masculine clothes and zero makeup…and rocking the toolbelt like no one else can, I see the most beautiful woman there is. And, that is always my type.

What “type” do you go for? What is your perception of more masculine women? Please share your thoughts and comments below.

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com
My Chick Read

Half the Fun

Okay, so I know I’ve been a fruit loop lately and I don’t always remember things, but I do remember chocolate. Chocolate in the form of candy bars in particular. You know, those fun-sized Halloween candy bars that have been out in the stores since like the end of August? Yea. Those.

I had the sudden realization a few days ago that it’s now October and Halloween is just weeks away (yea, that’s how my life has been lately). Time to stock up. Especially when you see the bags of candy two for $5.00. (I’ve had about 60 some trick-or-treaters the last few years in my neighborhood and several bags are needed so that’s a good deal).

So, when you have Halloween candy, you have to eat Halloween candy. I’ve never followed the rule to buy what you don’t like because you won’t eat it. First off, there isn’t much in the chocolate world that I don’t like. So, that’s hard. Then, if you buy non-chocolate, most of the kids grumble at that. And, what am I going to do with 80 Dum Dum lollipops left over? I don’t even think the squirrels would eat them. So, I buy what I like. Mallo Cups, Twix, Junior Mints, Kit Kats, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers.

Have you had a fun-sized candy bar recently? I was horrified when I opened a Snickers one for the first time this year. Horrified, I say. Where was it? Where was the fun? Was that Twix-skinny bar really a Snickers? They used to be at least twice as big when I was a kid. I think they were twice as big even a few years ago.

Hungry? You'll have to eat about twelve of these.

Research on the web showed other people noticing the same diminishing confections. But, I couldn’t find any substantial weights or measures to prove it. At the rate that I swear they are getting smaller, by 2013, they’ll be the size of Chiclets. And, by 2015, they’ll be the size of a Tic Tac.

Eight is a total score in the Junior Mints fun-sized world.

So, isn’t this interesting? In this world of food portions getting bigger and super-sized meals available everywhere, our delicious treats are micro-sizing. Why? Because they aren’t good for you? And, your fatty fast food-almost daily meal is? Maybe we should fun-size that? If more people practiced healthier eating habits throughout the year, a few weeks of consuming fun-sized sweets wouldn’t kill anyone. But, our blood boiling over their tiny down-sizing just might!

What do you think of the size of fun-sized candy bars? Do you buy them? Do you eat them? Have you noticed any changes?

@Ybbeige

http://facebook.com/barbarabeige

www.barbarabeige.com