I try so hard to be a positive person. I like to look at the
glass half full. I try to find the good in everything. I appreciate even the
small things in my life. I say I live in a world of fluffy bunnies and happy
rainbows. What could be happier than that? But, sometimes, even the most
positive of people can be down. Can be frustrated. I’m finding myself going
there.
I’ve had this concussion for over 3 weeks now. It’s nothing
like I’ve ever experienced. I’m forgetting what it feels like to not have my
head pound constantly. I so miss music. I never imagined not having music every
day in my life. You may remember that I even blogged about that. I’m lucky that
I can now listen to a few songs now and then…if they are quiet. I was never
much of a tv person but an occasional show to laugh at or with would be nice. I
can almost watch a half hour sitcom. As long as I mute the commercials (and
loud introduction…like the Big Bang Theory song that usually I’d find so
catchy) and close my eyes during those. They are too flashy and
over-stimulating for my head.
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| Everything feels so over-stimulating most of the time. |
I feel like I’m losing myself and who I am. The me who likes
to write and express myself with words. I come up with little quips
occasionally that I’ll tweet. I rarely get on Facebook these days to see what
is going on with friends and family. I miss wishing them Happy Birthdays. The
flickering of the computer more that twenty minutes once or twice a day is more
than my head really wants. Thoughts come to me of things I’d like to write
about. I jot them down. On paper. Hoping that I’ll be up for it at some point.
From the outside I look fine. People look at me and wonder
why I’m not back to work. Why I’m not out and about doing things. That’s
probably the most frustrating part for me. I’ve always considered myself to be
a strong and tough woman (I do have those German genes that I always say add to
my strength). Yea, I look fine. But put me anywhere with flickering fluorescent
lights or loud sounds or lots of movement and visual stimulation and I’m not
fine. Not in my head. And, then not in my belly. Nausea kicks in. How can even
the toughest be fine if they feel like I do? I’m the one who had surgery last year without general anesthesia. What the heck?
So, I’m just feeling like I just need to express some
frustration. Tell people where I’ve been. I have a CT scan tomorrow that I hope
will give us some answers on why I’m still feeling like I am. Just so you know…I
hadn’t gone into hiding. I just rest a lot. With my eyes closed. I want to come
back soon. I want to come back to being me. I want my glass to fill up. I want
to see those fluffy bunnies and happy rainbows again. Wish me luck.
@Ybbeige
www.barbarabeige.com
http://facebook.com/barbarabeige
