Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Parasitic Twin or New Lesbian Lover? Hard to Tell the Difference

Oh, the zing you get from a new relationship! The pitter patters. The flush in your cheeks. The buzz in your loins. Yea, the sex is downright amazing. Best you’ve ever had. What more could you have asked for?

Sure, she lives four hours away. With tolls, gas and a few Starbucks, it’ll cost you a good hundred bucks just for the drive.

But, she’s worth it. She looked so cute on that dating site when you spotted her earlier in the week. Then after two days of emails and texts and one phone call, you met halfway to meet her cuteness in person. Of course it went well. You couldn’t take your eyes off hers. You wanted nothing more than to kiss those ChapStick lips of hers. And, because it was late and you’d both had a few drinks, you checked into a nearby B&B.

ChapStick is lesbian lipstick.

The roar of the fireplace, the hot tub, the soft sheets and fresh towels made you think you were in paradise. You both called out sick to work on Monday to make it last an extra day because you were just feeling it.

With stars in your eyes, you drove the two hours back to your home with the promise of her driving all the way to your place the following weekend. The next four days couldn’t pass by any slower. You’ve added her as a friend to your Facebook page. You both changed your relationship status to being with the other. You text and sext non-stop during those four days. You call on your way into work and on your way home. Then you talk late into the evening. All the while cooking and eating your dinners together and never hanging up…even to pee.

Then, Date Number 2 comes around. She makes it to your house on Friday evening after work (which she cut out a few hours early from). The passion starts all over again. More mind-blowing sex. Conversations that go until all hours of the night. Tangled bodies. Delivery Thai and pizza because you don’t want to waste any of your time together not being practically naked on top of each other.

You spend the next week talking about how much you have in common and how you’ve never felt this way before. Sexually. Spiritually. Anyway.

At Date Number 3, you’ve been together a whole two weeks. You’re definitely exclusive. No doubt about that. You go into her home. It’s clean like yours. Nag Champa is in the air. It’s okay, because you always burn Nag Champa. The kind in the blue box. Her home is painted in colors similar to yours. She has the same paper lamp from IKEA that you do. And, the same Marilyn Monroe poster. So much in common!

You've tried the gold box and the blue box. You seem to like the blue better.
As do your other lesbian friends. I like to get mine from Leapin Lizards.

As you pull her into you, you notice she’s wearing new GAP jeans. Your favorite brand. And, under those Sexy Boot cuts are Jockey underwear. The same kind you wear. What a coincidence!

Wow, you think. So much in the universe is mashing together. Little do you know, she is wearing her first pair of GAPs and Jockeys. And, she painted her home while talking to you on the phone earlier this week. Her new haircut is similar to yours. She has Yoga Journal and Curve magazines on her coffee table. Just like you.

The best ever lesbian magazine.
She cracks open a bottle of wine. As you sip it together, she gives you a tiny box with a pretty silver band in it. Engraved with both your names on the inside. She has one to match. “Marry Me,” she says as Train’s song plays in the background. A well-timed tune on her iPod which is followed by the Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile and Catie Curtis. Some of your favorite lesbian artists.

You are swept away. In total love. You talk about what your wedding will be like. You talk about moving in together. Who makes more? Who has the more flexible career who could move? Everything’s okay, you make enough so you can support her while she finds a job in your area.

Date Number 4. She’s back at your place. You actually go out on the town to eat dinner and to show her off. So interesting how you both are wearing North Face jackets. The style is almost identical. You are a match made in heaven.

You know the logo. And, hey, they practically have a rainbow.

Or, are you? Stop. Look closely. Look at everything. Breathe. You are packing the U-Haul in your mind and you have been together less than a month. This is where lesbians can’t distinguish fact from fiction. It is all a blissful reality.

Your new lesbian lover is your wannabe twin. She wants to be like you. She dresses like you. She decorates like you. She has all the exact same hobbies as you. She loves all the same foods. She’s so ready to move in with you. If you don’t get to know her better before shacking up, you’ll see a side to her that is going to suck you dry. Or, maybe just suck. Emotionally. Financially. Spiritually. Oh, and the chances are the sex will probably become less than stellar. Forget about ever seeing any of your friends who are your exes too. It’ll be too much for her to handle. She’ll be too jealous. And forget about seeing any friends who you may not have dated. You won’t have time. You are her whole life. Why can’t you focus all of your time and attention on her?

So, the question is…Is this your new lesbian lover or your parasitic twin? And the answer is…
Married Woman Coming Out Story


  1. Thank you for your recommendation.I want to tell youTrue Religion Outlet Store is also a good choice.

  2. Rudy, I'm not sure the hot jeans will help other than to make the move in even quicker!


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